F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

For the temp placement of 'heated' threads and threads that generally breach forum guidelines.
User avatar
Posts: 1778
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 6:21 pm
Location: Brisbane

Re: F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

Post by AbbeyCat » Sat Dec 13, 2014 6:40 pm


Does he have any guy friends he could spend some time with? They seem to be able to offer each other a different type of support.

User avatar
Posts: 1188
Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2009 12:31 pm
Location: NSW

Re: F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

Post by strolltotheshops » Sat Dec 13, 2014 8:01 pm

Parla. wrote:What about asking him what he would like you to do? He may say he doesn't know, but it's OK to not know.

I know this isn't about me but if my spouse ever told me I was sick/needed a mental health plan/he was taking me to the doctor because of my mental or emotional state, my response would not be kind. If you've suggested it and he's said no you may need to accept that for the time being.
I'm with Parla. It might take him a while to figure out what works to help him. To give an example, (and please know I'm definitely not having a go at anyone on this thread or anywhere else who suggest these techniques; I do know there are millions of people for whom these suggestions work very effectively) my eyes glaze over at the thought of yoga or of mindfulness or of counselling for me. Those are all excellent techniques which work very well. They're not things that 'click' for me. Exercise, vigorously, frequently and alone, works for me. Exercise totally might not 'click' for heaps of other people, though. Anyway, my point is, it might take a while to find out what helps him, and that's OK. Also, is he drinking enough water and is he sleeping OKish? I am by no means suggested that hydration and sleep are a magic fix, but dehydration and/or lack of sleep or rest could exacerbate how he's feeling. Ginormous hugs.

User avatar
Posts: 587
Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 11:58 pm

Re: F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

Post by Meri » Sat Dec 13, 2014 10:48 pm

How about that man therapy website I keep seeing ads for(pretty sure man therapy was set up by beyond blue, to specifically target men)?

My concern is that his actions have scared the kids. What if he snaps and accidentally hurts one of them?

Depression is absolutely horrible. I'm currently seeing a psych for depression, PTSD and anxiety, I'm finding that mindfulness is working really well for me, at the moment. Different things work for different people. Hopefully you are able to find something that works for him

User avatar
Posts: 2669
Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 7:39 pm
Location: Northern California

Re: F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

Post by JMc » Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:27 am

Big hugs MM.
DD - November 2009 (Breastfed 19 months)
DS1 - August 2011 (Breastfed 2 years and 8 months)
DS2 - November 2014 (Breastfeeding happily)

User avatar
Posts: 1973
Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 10:25 pm
Location: Northern Tasmania

Re: F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

Post by PellyintheWilderness » Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:26 am

Big hugs, MamaMagoo.
Lots of good suggestions from the others.
I think I kind of understand where he's coming from - often the world's not a good place, and an angry/ stressed/ frustrated reaction to that is, well, normal.
Do you know what triggered this? Is it a long-term situational thing, or a crisis of some kind? Sometimes "fixing the world", or at least the bits of it that most directly impact on us, can be all that's needed.
But of course it's not always possible to fix the world, or the problem may actually lie in ourselves, and that's when professional help may be needed.
Proud co-storker for AndyPandy (with mooki)
Proud co-storker for Jenbt85 (with AussieBritLu)

DD May 2005 bf 12 months
DS1 May 2005 bf 37 months
DS2 Nov 2011 bf 36 months
DS3 Nov 2011 bf 38 months

User avatar
Posts: 4492
Joined: Thu Jun 25, 2009 11:58 am
Location: In my own little world most of the time

Re: F@#! Help, I don't know what to do.

Post by MamaMagoO? » Sun Dec 14, 2014 11:41 am

Thank you all so much for all the love and support and suggestions. I'm feeling kind of fragile today but we are alright. DH seems OK today, but then he did yesterday as well before he cracked so I'm keeping a close eye on him. In a way I am really glad this happened yesterday. As I said I have been quite worried about him for a while. I don't even know how long. It's like its been building up gradually over a long period. There have been a few occasions of the last couple of months when I've wanted to post a thread called, "How do you know if your partner is depressed?" but haven't actually done it because it all felt too difficult to talk about. The good thing is that I think I can say that I know now, and it has opened up the channels for us to talk about it. We talked really late last night but I think we barely scratched the surface. There is just so much going on in his head. A lot of it seems to be work related. he is having a really frustrating time at work at the moment and is really hating his job but I think he feels kind of trapped there because of his responsibility to his family. He is the bread winner.

MW, no I don't think this is PTSD. I believe he had PTSD, although a fairly mild case of it, when he came back from MSF. I'm pretty sure he is over that now but maybe there is still some residule stuff there. As I said he did not find counselling very helpful. I think he often feels a tremendous sense of guilt, or maybe its helplessness or futility that he was not able to do as much to help as he would have like. These days he is often talking about Ebola and I have no doubt that if we did not have young children he would be in West Africa right now doing what he could to help (he is a microbiologist with a background in pathology so I dare say he really could be very useful there- mind you the aid agencies there will take anyone willing to help right now, there is so much need).

He says he knows how lucky we are; we have a roof over our heads and food on the table. We are healthy and have healthy children and he wishes he could be grateful for that. I asked him if he thinks he is depressed. He said he doesn't know what depression means. Then he said, I guess I am maybe. I really don't enjoy anything any more. That is supposed to be a sign right? I asked him if he thought he should get some help and he said, you know I'm really dubious of the help anyone could give and I don't want to talk about it. I just want to talk about it. I just want to feel better.

fellare, I think you're right that perhaps a non-medical approach might suit him better. I've suggested trying yoga and he is open to giving it a go although scared of the idea too. STTS we talked about exercise too and he has got his bike out of the shed and fixed it up a bit to ride to work. He says riding has always helped in the past but he hasn't ridden in ages. Personally, I think that exercise can be a form of mindfulness so its not really all that different to yoga or meditation. I will have a look at that book too fellare.

Meri, yes, I am really concerned for the kids. They both seemed OK yesterday afternoon and I am really proud of DS for the way he handled it but it would have been really confronting for them. DD would not let DH put her to bed and DS had nightmares last night :( . I did not soften the blow when DH suddenly worried that he may have frightened them. I said yes, I'm sure you did. I'm sure that DS telling me that the chickens were scared was code for someone else.

Anyway, just going to take it slowly, one day at a time and see how we go. I am adamant that he is going to get some help some how but I am not going to insist that it needs to take a specific form. He needs to figure out what will work for him but he needs to do something. We can't just keep on going like this. For the sake of the kids if nothing else something needs to change.

I think I might ask to have this thread removed in a little while. I really appreciate the support but I am concerned about DH's privacy. This is my safe place but its not fair sharing his stuff here. I will leave it up for a little while because I'd like for those of you who are concerned to see this update but probably not for much longer.

Thank you again xx
Little Magoo 07/08. Breastfed for 3yrs3mths.
Miss Magoo 10/11. Breastfed for 4yrs3mths.

Post Reply