It's about to end

Breastfeeding does not always work out, this is a place to discuss your situation and feelings
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Shark19
Posts: 38
Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 8:08 am

It's about to end

Post by Shark19 » Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:14 am

DS2 and I have had a very rocky breastfeeding journey (if it can even be called that). I know I am going against the grain here but I never enjoyed breastfeeding. Looking back now, I actually think DS2 had quite a bad attachment, hence his wind problems and he never stimulated my breast enough so I didnt make enough milk. I fell into the trap of offering top ups, then one by one the breast feeds diminished. I've been fighting my demons on this for weeks and weeks.

DS2 is only 15 weeks old and we are down to one breastfeed per day =( & to be honest it is a pain in the bum. He fidgets and pulls off constantly - I think he is hardly getting any milk at all but I just dont want to let it go. When I had milk, I hated breastfeeding - now that I have no milk I dont hate it & wish I could keep it up.

When I didnt breastfeed, I expressed like a mad woman & now have quite a stash in the freezer which will slowly start to diminish. I stopped expressing a few weeks ago because it was exhusting me.

DS2 is such a happy little man & much more satisfied now that he is feeding enough but for some reason I cant stop the guilt of my actions & for not getting help when I needed it - by the time I had offered one bottle top up, I felt too embarrassed to put my hand up and say it wasnt working. I thought I'd be ok with giving him ABM & part of me is ok with it - but only whilst he is still getting some breastmilk. Now that that last breastfeed has the ending in sight, all that guilt is mulitplying.

He was exclusively breastfed for the first 2 months, it has only been the last 6 weeks that he is slowly started having more and more ABM. I never felt that bond that breastfeeding mothers talk about - to be honest i was starting to go the other way & despise (sp?) each feed. Since building up the ABM, I am enjoying him so much more but that guilt and the letting go is consuming me.

Anyway, guess I just needed to vent and get that out. Thanks for reading.

cez
Posts: 139
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:41 am
Location: Rockhampton, QLD

Post by cez » Thu Aug 11, 2011 2:12 pm

Hi!

Firstly, congratulations on getting this far with breastfeeding your son. You have done a wonderful job.

Have you called the ABA and spoken to a counsellor at all? There are ways of increasing your milk supply (both natural and medicated) if you wish to return to exclusively breastfeeding your baby.
Carrie

Proud Mum of :

Tayla 01.12.98
Rhiannah 29.08.02
Ethan 19.08.07
Mya 03.06.11

KarenMac
Posts: 1335
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 5:47 pm
Location: Brisbane

Post by KarenMac » Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:12 pm

Just wanted to say you are not alone in not enjoying BFing. I never enjoyed it with DD1 and, TBH, the only reason I was able to breastfeed her for 12 months was because I had the world's most ridiculous oversupply (hence, no worries about not providing enough milk) and I am a stubborn bitch :lol: I, too, never experienced that beautiful bond and serenity that other mothers talk about. First time around, breastfeeding totally sucked! You have done a magnificent job getting as far as you have, especially in view of your issues with low supply and I applaud and respect you for that.
DD1 - 21/07/08 - Breastfed for 12 challenging months
DD2 - 27/10/10 - Breastfed for a blissful 17 months

Shark19
Posts: 38
Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 8:08 am

Post by Shark19 » Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:41 pm

Thanks girls. Looking back, I think there were a combination of reasons why my supply suffered. First was the attachment issue mentioned earlier but second was the my MIL was here from the day we came home from hospital (DS2 was born at 1am & we were home at 3pm - she arrived at 5pm) and she stayed a month. I was very stressed & unable to do what i wanted. I had to go to the cold end of the house to express after each feed from day 2 because I wasnt comfortable expressing infront of her. I didnt get any skin to skin contact because she was always around. She used to watch closely as I was trying to attach DS2 which made me all the more nervous. MIL was here for cancer surgery so DP was constantly going to and fro from the hospital seeing her, taking her to appointments then we had to look after her whilst she recovered. I really wanted that to be a special time for our family but I couldnt say anything because the poor woman was going through a really rough time.

I think it was those first 4 weeks when the damage was done but I tried to hold on for as long as I could.

I've thought about trying to get him back to the breast full time again but I am worried he will just get too frustrated because of the slower flow than a bottle.

When I was full time breastfeeding, I never felt full (apart from the first few days), never leaked during/after a hot shower & DS2 was always crying. I tried Fenergreek & lactation cookies & lots of water but it didnt make a difference. I'd read about women only taking fenergreek for a couple of days and they would get a massive supply - I tried for 2 weeks and there was no difference at all. Now I look back & it was so obvious what the problem was. I made an appointment with a child nurse because I was sure there was something wrong with him, but I managed to get into see my GP first so I cancelled the appointment with the nurse. Now I wish I had kept it because she may have seen the problem :(

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Feebes
Posts: 12546
Joined: Fri May 22, 2009 4:57 pm
Location: SA

Post by Feebes » Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:46 pm

Shark19, I really didn't enjpy breastfeeding my 1st baby. I thought that it was a PITA to be honest. Just wasn't into breastfeeding. I think that I didn't fully understand it and I wasn't aware at how hard it was to get it established etc etc.

I also think that I had D-mer ( http://d-mer.org/ ). I think that I also had it with DS too and I had it for a few months with DD2. Its only because of this forum that I found out that D-mer was a medical condition IYKWIM.

Just thought that I would let you know that you're not the only one to experience that breastfeeding isn't all fun and games.

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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