Need to talk....

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Feebes
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Need to talk....

Post by Feebes » Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:12 pm

So I've been a single Mum for nearly 9 years (now wonder I am over it!), most of it has been ok, but I know that XDP is a huge factor in my emotional health and I know that the situation leaves me mostly negative feelings. The constant emotional crap that goes on, well I've been over it for a really long time.

Anyhoo, in April my depression wasn't all that great and in general with parenting wasn't really coping all that well. There was a incident and before I knew it, had sent off the big two kids to live with XDP. I just needed a break. My thinking at the time was that if I didn't have the kids (DD2 was donor conceived, so I am her only parent), then I wouldn't have to deal with him.

Anyhoo, its been not too bad. I've still been doing to their sports etc and I've been picking them up from school once a week and bringing them back here for tea. Its good to spend some quality time with them, rather than a half arsed parenting effort.

It wasn't such a bad move, because after April, my health wasn't great. It's still not fully sorted and I do need to go in for a endoscopy in November. My GP upped my AD's, so feeling a bit better and don't have anxiety. Now and then, I will have a bit of a blue day, but I think that everybody has those days.

Its the start of school holidays. I am having the kids a few days here and there while XDP works. I know that I need to make a huge effort in not losing my cool with their arguing etc and try to their company. It will be good for DD2, as she has been missing her brother and sister. Money is tight, so might do days at the playground rather than just sitting around at home.

DS stays overnight one night a week, not all of the time though and its mostly good. He was here last night and was here fo 24 hours. Far out, he's more work that his younger sister! I think that he was mostly craving for my attention, but I am now just use to of DD2 and myself rather than dividing my time in between two of them.

I think though, that I need to start getting shared care back though. I am not sure how that will go with DD (12, 13 in Dec). She is very much like her Dad and is very influenced by his family and she obviously knows that they don't think a lot of me. I don't really think that she wants to stay overnight here. I don't know whether to just accept that and let her make that choice (given that she is old enough to say where she wants to stay etc), or to push the issue and for her to come here for tea and the like. I think that DS would be up for at least two nights a week at the moment.

I think that XDP will make is hard though for me going back to shared care, he won't like it as to him with the kids in his care, he has the control and he has controlling issues. So not sure how to tackle that issue.

Anywhoo, that is my rambling that I needed to get out!

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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Mummy woo!
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Re: Need to talk....

Post by Mummy woo! » Sun Sep 28, 2014 2:52 pm

Hey Feebes - that sounds really difficult. You have mentioned here before how controlling your XDP is and I'm not surprised this is still a factor because people don't usually change much unless there is some reason to. But you got out! Go you! You are no longer his 'partner' and while you have to work together on this parenting gig, you have a lot of freedom from his controlling.

Your DD might choose not to stay with you and it is great that you are considering respecting her choice. I think as long as you spend some time with her it will work out in the end. Keeping the door open for her and giving her the choice is respecting her as a young woman who can decide for herself, something I'll bet she is not getting from her Dad if he is the controlling type. I don't have a 13 year old, but I have seen friends be forced to go to contact visits and it is never a very happy experience for anyone.

I hope you can work something out without too much aggravation. Will those Family Relationships centres help in a situation like this? Or is there some counselling you can access to support you through the time when you are negotiating?
It's OK Pluto, I'm not a planet either

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fellare
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Re: Need to talk....

Post by fellare » Sun Sep 28, 2014 3:27 pm

Just big hugs for now, I'll come back later with my thoughts
Boobymonster weaned at 3.5yrs.
Ms Firestorm born august 2015
Whatever you perceive to believe, dream.... be free.... (eMDee)

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fellare
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Re: Need to talk....

Post by fellare » Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:15 pm

Hugs, it's so hard to do it all, especially when you're not well. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is as either way the kids get hurt. Do you need to do meditation to change the plan? That may take some control away from your ex. I'm sorry he's still hurting you.

About your ds, he's probably just trying to reconnect after missing you. Could you do something extra fun together the first couple of hours? That may make the rest a bit easier.
Boobymonster weaned at 3.5yrs.
Ms Firestorm born august 2015
Whatever you perceive to believe, dream.... be free.... (eMDee)

adk
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Re: Need to talk....

Post by adk » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:11 pm

Your DD might choose not to stay with you and it is great that you are considering respecting her choice. I think as long as you spend some time with her it will work out in the end. Keeping the door open for her and giving her the choice is respecting her as a young woman who can decide for herself, something I'll bet she is not getting from her Dad if he is the controlling type. I don't have a 13 year old, but I have seen friends be forced to go to contact visits and it is never a very happy experience for anyone.

^^^ this. Keep offering for her to come, let her know you want her to spend time with you whenever she wants to, but respecting her decision is vital. Text her (if she has a phone), speak to her on the phone to see how her day is etc, keep it all low key and let her choose when she wants to stay or not. Meet for coffee/milkshakes after school once a month to show her you enjoy her company! She will value that for years, she will resent it if you force her. Sounds like your son will enjoy more time with you though. Really hope you are feeling ok. Hugs.
Back in the forum with surprise bub number 3!

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Feebes
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Re: Need to talk....

Post by Feebes » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:45 pm

adk wrote:
Your DD might choose not to stay with you and it is great that you are considering respecting her choice. I think as long as you spend some time with her it will work out in the end. Keeping the door open for her and giving her the choice is respecting her as a young woman who can decide for herself, something I'll bet she is not getting from her Dad if he is the controlling type. I don't have a 13 year old, but I have seen friends be forced to go to contact visits and it is never a very happy experience for anyone.

^^^ this. Keep offering for her to come, let her know you want her to spend time with you whenever she wants to, but respecting her decision is vital. Text her (if she has a phone), speak to her on the phone to see how her day is etc, keep it all low key and let her choose when she wants to stay or not. Meet for coffee/milkshakes after school once a month to show her you enjoy her company! She will value that for years, she will resent it if you force her. Sounds like your son will enjoy more time with you though. Really hope you are feeling ok. Hugs.
I think that this is my best solution. I always tell her that she can come and go as she pleases, she is 12 and no longer in child. Before, we would have to make the best choices for her, but now she is old enought to have a say in which parent she wants to stay with.

So I will continue to let her know that the door is always open. Her bedroom is not touched and nothing has been moved, I feel that its so important for it to stay that way. I would think that it would be totally disrespectul for me to change her bedroom around or move things etc.

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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