Struggling

For many reasons, some mothers find themselves being the sole parent of
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adk
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Struggling

Post by adk » Thu Feb 06, 2014 1:43 pm

Just need a vent. I have posted about this before in the emotional health section i think, but am feeling more like a single parent again so while i don't officially fall into this category any more as I do have a partner, I feel the need to vent here!!

I have posted before that due to a number of issues DP and I don't live together yet and can't until he finishes his current project and gets some legal stuff sorted (very long story and not relevant here). We spend a maximum of 3 nights together at the moment, it was a little more but often now is more like 2, and the thing is i never know when he is going to be around to help or when he is going to be busy. So things like taking DD to a roller skating party on the weekend, which i don't want to do because i don't think roller skating at 29 weeks pregnant is a great idea for me, and which he said he would do because he is a good roller skater (!!!), he now cant do because he is busy with the project. And he was going to look after the kids for me while I worked on Saturday, but now he cant, so I have had to make other arrangements. These things are just really getting to me. I feel like i am still a single parent, but sort of not - and that is actually harder than just knowing i have to organise things on my own sometimes! I keep telling myself not to rely on him and just do it on my own like i did before we met (which worked well, mind you!!) but then he comes around and makes offers, i feel that lovely feeling of not having to manage it all on my own, and get suckered in and accept his help, then his work gets in the way.

The other thing that is distressing me right now is that we had hoped the project would be finished by the time the baby comes, and now we know it wont be, and I am facing doing the semi single parent thing with two school kids and a newborn at least till the end of July.

I know it is do-able - I look at the inspirational mums on this forum who have single parented many kids including newborns, but I just didn't think i would have to and i am stressing big time. The other issue of course is that financially, i am really going to struggle running a house while on maternity leave without his input. If he moved into my house, we would split the bills, but currently my life is structured around the money i get from working, and when i stop, so does the money (I will get some paid leave from one of my jobs for a while, but in the other one i am self employed so it will just stop). If i have no one to share bills etc with i don't know how i am going to manage the mortgage. He cant give me any money if we don't live together, because he is paying bills for his own house and cant afford it.

I can rent my house out and go and live with my mum, so it is not a dire situation, but still, it is not what i thought i would be bringing my baby into the world with either. And getting the house up to a standard that will get a reasonable rent requires a LOT of work and money over the next few months in itself, which is another thing to stress about!!!

Anyway, I know i should be grateful for what support i do get, but i am just really really scared about having to manage all of this on my own. Thanks for "listening".
Back in the forum with surprise bub number 3!

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Esther
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Post by Esther » Thu Feb 06, 2014 2:26 pm

Hugs. That all sounds extremely complicated and stressful.
Esther
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Yankee
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Post by Yankee » Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:47 pm

Oh wow, that sounds so stressful! Why can't your DP move in with you? Have you told him how important it is financially for that to happen?

Vent away, I'd be stressed too if I was in hour position!
DD born September 2013

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fellare
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Post by fellare » Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:50 pm

Hugs, that sound really overwhelming.

Would the unpredictability and insecurity be worst than the single mum aspect? I know that's what I struggled with more. Not knowing what to expect and that impacting on my ability to make decisions is the worst bit of separating (OK, getting your heart ripped out is probably worst, but ykwim)
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chiggins
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Post by chiggins » Thu Feb 06, 2014 4:01 pm

As a single mum myself, I really hear ya! It is a lot harder on your own and having a "part time partner" who is but isn't there can actually be even harder. Like you mentioned, you never know if you have the help when you need it or not. It sounds very stressful!

Big hug, hope things get better.... and your DP is able to get the time to spend more nights with you.
:wink:
DD - Nov 2013
DS1 - Apr 2015
DS2 - Jun 2016 (BFing like a champ!)

adk
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Post by adk » Thu Feb 06, 2014 9:26 pm

Thanks ladies, i always get a lift from the support I get here. I hadn't realized how stressed i was about all of this until today.

There are honestly too many reasons why he cant move in with me - all financial and bloody annoying, but quite valid and sensible none the less. If he moved in he would not be able to give me any money anyway until he finishes his house and gets it rented, so at this stage it would actually COST me money to live with him!!

It is all so out of my control. I am completely at his mercy in terms of how quickly or slowly he gets his projects (including his own house) finished. I just have to wait and manage everything on my own in the mean time. It will be ok - he was going to be at the CFA (he is also a volunteer) on Sunday, but as it is our only day together he has said he will spend it with me (and take DD roller skating ) instead, so i feel a little better. Deep breaths and take it day by day....... The last night we had together was last Saturday and the next one will be this Saturday, so we are down to one night a week at the moment. Fingers crossed that increases soon.......
Back in the forum with surprise bub number 3!

Jenbt85
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Post by Jenbt85 » Fri Feb 07, 2014 6:54 am

Hugs, that sounds really hard.

In terms of "not what you wanted to bring your newborn into", I think they're pretty oblivious as long as they have mum :)

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Feebes
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Post by Feebes » Fri Feb 07, 2014 8:38 am

That sounds extremely difficult. I knowtys I would be finding that really frustrating.

I hope that things change abd quickly too.
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adk
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Post by adk » Fri Feb 07, 2014 10:41 am

Thanks again ladies.

Feebes, you are my inspiration in all of this, you have done the most amazing job and i hope i can manage my situation half as well as you have with your beautiful children.
Back in the forum with surprise bub number 3!

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Feebes
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Post by Feebes » Fri Feb 07, 2014 11:27 am

adk wrote:Thanks again ladies.

Feebes, you are my inspiration in all of this, you have done the most amazing job and i hope i can manage my situation half as well as you have with your beautiful children.
adk, that is really sweet and heart warming!

I have found so much support on the forum too.

Feebes
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Karen81
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Re: Struggling

Post by Karen81 » Fri Feb 14, 2014 12:05 pm

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to deal with the irregularity of it all. I would get the house as well prepared for renting as I could afford/be bothered doing and move in with my mum.

Depending on your relationship with your mum of course..she could be a huge help with either the newborn or the big kids and getting them ready for school etc.

Big hugs x

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