How the freak -updated

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Feebes
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How the freak -updated

Post by Feebes » Sat Apr 07, 2012 1:24 am

Does a single parent have 'me time' without pissing other people of and feeling guilty

My child free days are so few and far in between and I feel bad in the first instance for asking to have some child free time for no reason behind it (eg not having an appointment, just want to visit friends or whatever) and not feel guilty or getting my Mum all in a grumpy arse mood. :roll: :(

Today I was talking to my friend who said that she was having a craft evening. I said that I might be able to get there. I was planning on asking Mum around for tea in the first place, but didn't bother asking her about nme going out to my friends place just in case the kids were playing up blah blah and then I would just end up disappointed that I couldn't go anyway.

So Mum came around and had tea and was planning on staying the evening. So another friend rang up to see if I was going. I said that I would just ask Mum (DD2 was about to go to bed and the older two were behaving and quiet). So Mum said that was ok, but not exactly thrilled about it.

So I was getting DD2 ready for bed and she looked all annoyed and pissed of. So I asked her what was wrong. She said that I had 'conned' her into coming around for tea and then 'conned' her into staying on so that I could go out. So I said well don't bother then, I won't go out. So then she got all shitty and said that I had to go.

So I went after DD2 was asleep and DD was doing craft with Mum and DS was playing with his things.

I didn't enjoy my time out because I felt that it was really harsh of Mum to say that I had 'conned her' into coming around.

It just feels that the only way that I can get out of the house to do fun stuff for me is to bloody well pay someone.

When I was REALLY sick with gastro a few weeks ago Mum offered to stay with us for four nights and there was no issue at all. I was stuck in bed and was barely functioning. But tonight I ask for just a few hours of her time and its all bloody to farking hard, if that makes at all any sense. Like she didn't have to do ANYTHING as opposed to a few weeks back where she had to do EVERYTHING!

Woe is me.

:(

Feebes
Last edited by Feebes on Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Nedsmum
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Post by Nedsmum » Sat Apr 07, 2012 3:46 am

FWIW I can understand why your mum feels like you 'conned' her into it - but I'd do exactly the same as you...in an instant!

I'm married, and my husband definitely is a hands-on one, but I still go through the same problems as you...

Personally, I'd start cultivating a babysitter if you can!

Or rather than making it a 'when needed' thing, make it a regular 'booking' on the basis that you don't ask at other times - we ended up with a routine where if my parents were around on a Saturday morning, they'd take the kids for breakfast and most of the day.... but it had to be according to their schedule...

The other grandma, we managed to get into a 'routine' of having dinner with her once a week, and on that day she'd pick the kids up from school and take them to her place, and I'd go from work to shops or whatever, and then bring/organise dinner so there was a bit of a 'trade off'.

I dunno. Otherwise, you just try to make it work...or you pay a babysitter...or you just don't get to do that sort of stuff unless the kids are included.

Here in Switzerland it's fine for our 12 year old daughter to babysit her brothers, or be home alone....and wow, it makes a huge difference to our 'flexibility' if we can do a shopping run or take the little one out for the morning and leave our daughter at home..

I promise...they do get older...eventually...
Breastmilk - the ultimate 'brain food'!!!

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3 Little Woody's
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Post by 3 Little Woody's » Sat Apr 07, 2012 8:40 am

Is putting DD2 in childcare 1 day a week an option so you can have a day off? By the time rebates and benefit kicks in its pretty cheap, DD2 would be with kids her age being well looked after and you get 5-7 hours to do what you want to do without feeling guilty or putting anyone out.
Then if there is something on at night time give your mum as much notice as you can.

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mum2H&R
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Post by mum2H&R » Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:15 am

I think you have to find yourself a paid babysitter.
DS1 - April 06
DS2 - August 08
DD - October 10

What other people think of me is none of my business.

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JMc
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Post by JMc » Sat Apr 07, 2012 1:21 pm

Hugs Feebes. That sounds really, really hard.
DD - November 2009 (Breastfed 19 months)
DS1 - August 2011 (Breastfed 2 years and 8 months)
DS2 - November 2014 (Breastfeeding happily)

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Ronale
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Post by Ronale » Sat Apr 07, 2012 3:58 pm

Hugs, that is really difficult. I agree with having a regular time that you can have off and cultivating a babysitter...if you have both, then you have greater flexibility and don't have to feel bad if you just want to go for a walk on your own every now and again (as opposed to wanting to do a class every week). And with all that training you've got happening now :wink: you'll need a couple of hours free - so that would be perfect grandparent time :wink: :wink: :-D Even if all you do in that time is go to a coffee shop and think about the training - it's still important time off!

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FiveInTheBed
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Post by FiveInTheBed » Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:14 pm

I think a trustworthy paid babysitter is the way to go.
There will be Five in the bed in September!

Westaussie77
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Post by Westaussie77 » Sun Apr 08, 2012 8:28 pm

I often feel that resentment when I ask my mum to babysit. Only about once a year I ask her to baby sit for pure social time. Other times it is for uni, ABA work, appointments etc. I really hate asking for anything for "me" as I feel guilty etc.

I hope you find a workable solution for you and your LOs

Hugs
Westaussie77

DD Nov 2003 - Breastfed 17mths
DS Nov 2005 - Breastfed 44mths
Solo Parent since April 2006


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innej
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Post by innej » Sun Apr 08, 2012 9:38 pm

Yeah I reckon a babysitter is the only way you're going to get the time you want. That way you feel no guilt and your mum won't feel 'conned'
2 beautiful boys x
DS1 March '09
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Westaussie77
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Post by Westaussie77 » Sun Apr 08, 2012 11:50 pm

If paying for a babysitter is not an option financially, are you able to team up with another single mum/parent in your area and do baby sitting swaps etc
Westaussie77

DD Nov 2003 - Breastfed 17mths
DS Nov 2005 - Breastfed 44mths
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Feebes
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Post by Feebes » Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:49 pm

Well I bit the bullet and rang up our child care centre which is just around the corner. We had our first visit to the child care centre this morning. Charlotte was a bit unsure at first but then went of and played (mainly on her own, not many kids there in the nursery).

We are going back next week for a few more visits too, she will start the Tuesday morning that school goes back.

DS went there a few years ago and since then (very recently) they have done some awesome renovations. They have a awesome art/craft room where the kids can go and do painting, pasting etc with a huge table to use. They have done some landscaping so that it looks like a typical back yard garden, so going back to basics. Looks just unreal.

Just quietly, I am on count down til she goes. My gut feeling is telling me that this will go be good for her and I. Just starting her of with one morning a week (not enough elastic in the finances) and hopefully if my ABA studies get the tick by Centrelink, then I can afford for her to go up to 2 days a week.

Thanks for letting me get this out here. I'm really looking forward to some 'me' time during the day.

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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3 Little Woody's
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Post by 3 Little Woody's » Tue Apr 10, 2012 8:34 pm

Good on you Feebes!

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JMc
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Post by JMc » Tue Apr 10, 2012 8:38 pm

Sounds great. Hope it works out with centrelink too
DD - November 2009 (Breastfed 19 months)
DS1 - August 2011 (Breastfed 2 years and 8 months)
DS2 - November 2014 (Breastfeeding happily)

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akinasmum
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Post by akinasmum » Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:03 pm

A happy mum is a much better mum in her actions and to be around.
Don't forget to relax on your mornings off.
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athome
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Post by athome » Thu May 31, 2012 2:30 pm

Hugs, I do know other SAHM's who take turns in looking after each others kids one day a week. They are mums who only have one child at home during the day so its works out that they are still only looking after their own child and one other when they do the "shift". It seems to work. ( I just need to find another mum of 4 to do the same with :lol: )

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