Havent posted for ages but........NEED A VENT!!!!

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Havent posted for ages but........NEED A VENT!!!!

Post by adk » Wed Apr 04, 2012 8:43 pm

Hi lovely ladies,
I keep lurking here even though breast feeding was a very long time ago for me, but i am struggling and thought you guys would understand my need to vent.

So, I have had a very amicable separation from XDH and the kids are managing well and i am ok and that is fine. BUT.....

Ex hubbie had a girl friend in nov 2010 but she was not involved with the kids, then another one in Jan 2011 that the kids loved (and seemed lovely) and they got very attached to her and to her children (2 girls) but they broke up in July 2011 and the kids havent seen her since. They still talk about the girls but seemed to manage fine.

Then in Sept 2011 he started seeing a lovely lady with two kids who were equally lovely, and in November they got engaged!!!!! So i went through all of what that meant for my kids and everyone was excited about the fact daddy was getting married and there was going to be a step mum and step siblings and that was great. Roll on to Feb and she abruptly broke off the engagement without so much as a goodbye to the kids or a chance for my kids to say goodbye to her children. Literally, one week they had just moved in to his house, then she went interstate for work and when she came back it was over so the kids didn't get any warning or a chance to say goodbye.

Now i have no issue with the relationship break up itself, it is better if she was unhappy that it end before they marry, and they are adults who have to sort out their own lives. But i am bloody sick of having to manage my kids grief. They were genuinely attached to my ex's new partner. She was fabulous with them and all the kids all got on really well. TBH, i am upset they broke up because i loved the fact my kids could go to their dads and be really happy with their soon to be step mum - it is my biggest fear that he will partner with someone who is not good to my kids and was so relieved when his fiancee was so great with my two. And I hate the fact that i am the one who has to explain it all, deal with the tears, deal with the questions and generally mop up what is not my mess!!! I know i am the best one to do it because my ex has the emotional intelligence of a peanut at times, but i am over it!! Even though it is not my buisness, I have told him if he introduces anyone new to my kids before they have been dating for at least 3 months, and if he becomes serious within 6 months, i will give him a big fat slap!

I just want my kids to be happy and safe. My ex is a fabulous father who loves his kids, but seriously, how do others deal with the crap that comes from their ex's relationships???? Thanks for the vent.
Back in the forum with surprise bub number 3!

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Post by 3 Little Woody's » Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:53 pm

Hi adk! I wondered how you were going :D

Sounds pretty tough for the kids and you to have to pick up the pieces over and over again. :(
I think your rules about 3-6 months is a good idea, it's not fair on the kids to be accepting these women into their lives and then it doesn't work out, the main concern I would have is that the kids don't take on the blame themselves of the relationships not working, if that makes sense.

Anyway, good to see you on here.

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Post by mooki » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:57 pm

Hi A, nice to see you.

Sorry no advice but it sounds tough for all of you.


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Post by Capricious » Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:30 am

I agree with 3 Little Woodys. And great to see you back here too :D

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Post by adk » Thu Apr 05, 2012 7:55 pm

Thanks guys.

It is interesting, my 3 year old initially decided that the lady in question left because miss 3 kept touching her things "and this made (the fiancee) grumpy". I very quiclky and have now repeated several times that it had nothing to do with that, and explained (as much as a 3 year old can understand and without putting my ex as the bad guy, which he definitely wasn't in this scenario) about her being unhappy with daddy and needing to be in her house to be happy again (better at that age to blame a house than i person i rekon!). It is just really hard.

My 6 year old understands better because we always explained our separation in terms of daddy being really really sad (he had depression) and mummy tried and tried but couldn't make him happy, so he gets that the fiancee was unhappy and therefore she had to leave. Of course i worry that my son is growing up thinking that you leave relationsihps at the first sign of unhappiness, but we are also talking through that as he gets older....sigh......

I really appreciate the kind words, this forum has been amazing to me over the years and i value it enormously.
Back in the forum with surprise bub number 3!

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Post by Countrymum » Thu Apr 05, 2012 11:31 pm

Wow I just want to say that for a vent that was incredibly well balanced and forgiving, you're obviously doing a great job trying to maintain stability and harmony in your kids lives. I'm so impressed.

I would be fuming in this situation, but I guess the only thing you can do is ask that he not introduce future partners until the relationship is more settled (though with his track record, that could be hard!). If the ex fiance was so nice maybe she would be willing to visit and say a proper goodbye? Maybe at a neutral location like the park?

Other than that try to remember that as hard and unfair as this all is, kids go through all sorts of grief that their parents can't control e.g. grandparents dying. You're doing an amazing job but it you have every right to ask your EDP more.

2 bubbly beautiful girls - DD1 (5 in Nov), DD2 (will be 3 at the end of July).
DD1 breastfeed for 14 months, DD2 breastfeed for 34.5 months.

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Post by athome » Thu May 31, 2012 2:46 pm

I dont have any experience with an ex as such but I have experience from your childrens perspective if that helps ?

My parents split up when I was 4 and my father had a few serious relationships and my mum married and divorced a further 3 times after that so I had lots of step-parents and step siblings step cousins, ex steps, (in fact one day I was asked how I knew a woman who had come to my work I said matter of factly she was my "ex step sisters, late mothers, ex defactos, ex step daughter" and it dawned on me my life had become too complex )

Anyway , my mum told me "your family are not simply people who you are related to by blood they are the people who care about you and who you care about . They are the people who help to make you who you are and no matter where they live or how often you see them they will always be a special part of your life and part of a group of people who will always love you. No matter what happens you are lucky to have so many people out there in the world who will be around if you need them now or in the future". It made sense to me as a child and I coped OK your kids will too as long as you and their Dad are consistent in their lives they can cope with others who may come and go.

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