Same cr@p different day

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Feebes
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Same cr@p different day

Post by Feebes » Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:52 pm

Long story, but I really don't like the X and the arrangement that I currently going on.

I only get to see DS from school pick til after tea time on a Friday. It's really his choice (he's 10 1/2yrs), but its crap. DD comes here on a Friday after school and goes home sometime during the Saturday. I think that she (she's nearly 14) only really comes cause she doesn't want to hurt me feelings, so feels obligated to come.

XDP has pretty much brain washed the kids so they think not very much of me. Not much of can do about that. DS pretty much said that I don't take care of him or his sister, yanno who he has heard that from. DS has pretty much no respect for me.

Just feeling like a cr@P not even part time Mum to my older two.

I 'think' that now my eldest is getting older, than she has see what's going on. XDP is always in a grumpy/foul mood. Even the kids comment about it. X is never friendly or nice. Or if he is, he takes notice of how long its for. E.G if I do something bad for or right, he'll start banging on about how he's been nice to me for X amount of time. Yanno, don't worry about being nice/friendly/respectful all the time.

Just annoyed and frustrated by the whole situation. I initiated mediation quite a while ago, but for lots of reasons, its stopped and started and stopped again.

I am generally going well, work is going fantastic, but I just wish on the mothering front things were different. DD2 is going really well at the moment and is having a really good patch. She wasn't going at all well at the start of the year due to me having really bad health for most of last year.

On another subject, but related....

DD2 is looked after by my Mum while I work, but she is getting older and is starting to get too much. I am hoping that we can all just stick together til at least DD2 starts school next year. I feel that by putting DD2 into family day care, it may rock the boat and she will be back to having a bad patch again. I'd feel too guilty for taking DD2 away from Mum. Long story, but I had to miss a day or work cause Mum was away in the city waiting on test results and my Mum's SIL and brother thought that it was odd that I didn't have a back up plan etc like family day care etc. They didn't think that it was right that I missed a day off of work etc. For DD2 and I, its just not that simple. Work was totally ok about it, but it just seemed that I had to brake my neck to get to work.

Anyway, hopefully I can have a couple of weeks off work in January, so Mum won't have DD2 for the whole of the big school holidays. I am going permanent part time next week (YAY), so won't have enough paid leave, but it will be ok as I'll just take the time off without pay.

That's just my ramblings.

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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Mummy woo!
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Re: Same cr@p different day

Post by Mummy woo! » Fri Oct 30, 2015 9:41 pm

Oh feebes you know what I think about your x. Honestly I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I think that if you keep doing the right thing by your kids they will eventually see that they can trust you and rely on you. And they are old enough to make their own decisions. It is horrible that they are still young enough to be manipulated, but they will realise eventually that you love them and respect them, and they'll come to see any manipulation for what it is.

Hugs to you beautiful mum.
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jessles
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Re: Same cr@p different day

Post by jessles » Sat Oct 31, 2015 9:39 pm

Re work - is there the possibility of being able to bring work home to do if you have to be in the house with dd2? Or as a '1-off' can you take her to work with you?

And since when is she old enough to be starting school so soon???? :shock:

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Nedsmum
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Re: Same cr@p different day

Post by Nedsmum » Sun Nov 01, 2015 7:46 pm

I think it doesn't matter how you do things, people will have opinions. Hopefully you can have a good conversation with your mum about what she thinks and how she would like to share the care of your DD2 until she starts school - my grandma was 92 and picked my two year old and swung him onto her walking frame thing to give him a 'ride' - old people can be tough and resilient even when they seem frail and just 'old'...at the same time, your daughter is getting older and more able to care for her own needs...and she can be asked to be more considerate of her grandma...I think that's healthy too...

Unfortunately, pre-teens and teens have a whole period where they need to work through their own social development, and this includes their mouths being ahead of their brains. It's hard not to get offended, but my 13 year old can be so sweet and considerate, and other times say really rude things or be quite out-of-control, I really think their brain disconnects and they say whatever comes in their head. He may also begin to really think about how he wants to be as an adult, the sort of parent he would like to be, and perhaps new ideas or opinions on what it is for him to have parents who are separated and are disrespectful to one another...and comparing that to his 'model' idea of what being a kid should be like...he will need a lot of time to work this through...

I assume mediation can compel the children to some extent to maintain contact (or at the very least, stop your ex from undermining contact?) - is it possible to make 'special time' for him - does he do some sport or something where you can come along to watch / participate regularly and reliably ?

Perhaps it's important for him to hear also that you did look after him when he was little, and that it's an agreement on both sides to have him where he is. Perhaps he also needs to hear that he has some say in the arrangement, or just make the effort to make that friday afternoon time a little bit special - to give him time to talk with you and for you to catch up on his life, and where he is up to, a little bit at a time...

For the work stuff, I work in childcare and we are very often having to say to parents 'we are not your backup plan' - and it's absolutely legitimate to take time off to care for your daughter - that is what 'family/carers leave' is for... but the older generation may have a different view...I wouldn't take that opinion too seriously, unless they are offering to look after her in emergencies ;-)

It is very normal to have to fit holidays etc to the kids school schedule...but perhaps you could also look around and see if there are any 'fun clubs' for her so that you can save up a bit of your holidays..or a friend who might take her some of the time... .but perhaps you need a holiday too!

I am very happy for you that you have managed to get permanent-part-time work - that's great news!
Breastmilk - the ultimate 'brain food'!!!

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Feebes
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Re: Same cr@p different day

Post by Feebes » Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:32 pm

Just to add to the mixxx

DD (nearly 14) had a 'boyfriend' (same age, same primary school etc) for around 12 months. She has very recently caught eye on a 15yo boy at her school. Next thing is that the boyfriend was out the door. She wanted to go go out with friends to do some window shopping, failed the mention that the 15yo boy would be there. Smallish town here, so her Dad found out about it. DD was sneaky about it and even though had lots of opportunities to mention it, decided not to. XDP didn't let her go as she wasn't being upfront and honest about it.

She has been friends with a certain friend for a few years, for the last 4-6 months they haven't really been as close. All of a sudden she's going to this friends how for a sleep over. As I only have the kids one night a week, I got the tail end of this arrangement and trusted that XDP had sorted out the nitty gritty etc.

I dropped her off yesterday and found out that it was her friends brothers birthday. I didn't click of anything, just thought that DD's friend was having friends over cause her brother was having friends over.

Well her dad found out (he'd be a good spy!) that the only reason that DD wanted to sleep at her friends house is that her friends brothers best friend is that 15 yo. :shock: :roll:

So she's really using her friend so as she could see the new boyfriend (boyfriend status started on Thursday).

She she kind of left us in the darkness about it all. XDP let her once again have lots of opportunities to tell us all of this, but chose not too.

XDP has grounded her and taken away her electronic devices. DD is really mature for her age and more maturer than I was at her age and that is saying something. This is all new territory (the 1st born!), but its a bit tricky getting it all right.

I think that XDP should arrange for DD and her 'boyfriend' to do an activity together with an adult in ear shot sort of thing so as DD doesn't feel as she has to hide this boy and doesn't cause her to think that she has to be sneaky.

Errrk. So not ready for this.

I think that what XDP has done might cause her to rebel?

Not sure, but it adds to this mix.

XDP has recently reconciled with his wife, so she's now back in the scene. They have been separated for around 2+ years, they both have mortgages on the houses that they live in, so I am not sure if there will be any changes in living arrangements. Before they got back together, she would have a chat with me, now since they have been back together, I am back to being invisible.

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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Feebes
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Re: Same cr@p different day

Post by Feebes » Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:00 pm

UPDATE

I have initiated mediation. Its a long process but this is what has happened.

XDP and I have met with the mediator. That was ok.

Then I've had (as well as him) had another appointment with another person to see if it was suitable for both of the kids to have their sessions, their sessions would be asking how they think things are going and what they would like to do.

That can't happen til May.

After the kids have their appointments, information will be brought back to the next appointment that xdp and i have together. From there, we can decide if the level of care that we both have need to change. From there, we can draw up a new parenting plan.

So that is where we are up to at the moment.

The kids (DD & DS) have been staying two nights a week on a regular basis and things seem to be going ok. A bit of conflict has been happening with DD and DD2, but nothing that worries me.

Feebes
DD 02
DS 05
DD2 2010

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Nedsmum
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Re: Same cr@p different day

Post by Nedsmum » Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:33 am

Nice to hear that things are changing... I don't think it matters what age...just when you think you have things sort of worked out...they change again! Good luck finding a happy medium...
Breastmilk - the ultimate 'brain food'!!!

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