What if?

Sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse can unfortunately enter our lives at any time. Many people suffered as a child, for others the abuse only enters their lives as adults. Sometimes it is our loved ones suffering. Often pregnancy or the birth of a child can trigger these events. Substance abuse often plays a part. Your situation may be such that you need to talk to your health professional, or the police, but just telling someone who will listen can be helpful. We are not trained experts in this area of life, but we offer this forum as a supportive environment for you if and whenever you need it. No matter whether the abuse is new to your life, if it happened years ago, or has been ongoing - we are here to listen. *Please remember this is a public forum when posting details about yourself and your situation.
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Penguin
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Re: What if?

Post by Penguin » Sat May 27, 2017 11:03 pm

Ok, updates:


I'm ok. Most of the time I'm good. I'm back at work, loving it, and doing my job well. Some days I only do it satisfactorily, but that is ok. (No, my account has not been hacked. It's actually me writing this.) Things at home are the same - we're out of the EMERGENCY MODE that was 2015-2016. ost days are good - ok, but things are still quite hard at times, as the ramifications of everything that happened will be lifelong - this is nothing new.


Our wonderful social worker left for a policy job before she got too burned out. We miss her a lot. DH and I met our new SW last week. I think she's quite inexperienced. I had a meltdown and couldn't cope and I left.


After five long months of clusterfucking around, my Centrelink non-debt has been resolved. Spoiler alert - I DIDN'T OWE THEM ANY MONEY JUST LIKE I SAID. CL had to repay me over four thousand dollars of MY money that they had taken from me. It would have been five thousand if they had paid me an hourly rate for dealing with their bullshit. Sidenote: I whinged and moaned enough on Twitter about by craptacular treatment by CL that after about 374926 different departments I was finally able to be referred to 'Personalised Services'. There's a phone number you call to leave a message and then they call you back within three hours and usually you get to talk to the same person. Much more helpful than the social workers AND you don't have to wait on hold. It's not the old callback service that's been discontinued, it's a different one. If anyone needs it PM me and I'll give you the number.


Wonder CP is on mat leave. ( :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: ) I had monthly just-in-case appointment booked with a new CP at the same practice. (Oh, what's that wonder CP? You mean that worrying about things that might go bad and taking action to mitigate that is a good idea? That considering that things might go wrong is now something that you're recommending? WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT lol ) Anyway, I cancelled the first one or two monthly appointments but then my brain got shit again so I went to see new CP. (This makes my fifth regular MHP in less that four years, and #$%^ knows how many including all the hospital disasters and however many it was for my broken brain before the last four years). New CP seems quite good. She didn't say anything in our first session that was a red flag for YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY BRAIN. Still trying to find a clinical groove but I'm hopeful (delusional?) that we'll find it.


Extended family issues are yukky and bad and awful and complicated. We no have very little to no contact at all with most of them. (It's awful but I don't want to talk about it. It also means zero practical support like regular or emergency child minding etc.)

Did birthday stuff this weekend for DD who is SIX! It was nice.

Would be nice if our chuldren slept etc but yanno.
Last edited by Penguin on Sun May 28, 2017 10:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
DD1 May 2011
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Re: What if?

Post by Penguin » Sat May 27, 2017 11:04 pm

I had another episode a fortnight ago where I had a bad reaction to one of my psych meds. Can I reiterate for the zillionth time that I never wanted to be on these meds and I hate them. Plan for this med was to drop it back slowly over a year, as psychiatrist tells me the evidence base is better for dropping back over a long period like 12 months that you will be less likely to go back ok. Ok, you had me at 'evidence based'. So we's been slooooowly dropping them back, and I'd been noticing small increases in anxiety for maybe a week after the drop, which I spose was actually a good thing as it means they were working. Anyway, a few weeks ago I had an eposide where I get this really bad jaw clenching. It happened once before (last year?) and was quite scary then, because the home dr freaked out about it. Over the course of about fice hours my jaw started to clench and got worse until I couldn't open my teeth at all. Psychiatrist who is wonderful got my evening email and called me and told me what to tell the home dr to prescribe, which he reluctantly did, and I took that reliever medication. I got an immediate reduction in the severity (like I could talk and eat) , and then took the reliever meds for a few more days until the tightness/ clenching was gone completely.

This time the reaction was MUCH worse. I noticed the clenching starting and (in email contact with psychiatrist and with my just-in-case script for the reliever med (OH, WHAT'S THAT? YOU MEAN THAT WORRYING ABOUT WHAT BAD THINGS MIGHT HAPPEN AND DOING THINGS TO MITIGATE THEM IS A GOOD IDEA? WOW, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? :smt005 ) started taking the reliever med. It didn't work, and I was still clenching my jaw a bit for a few days despite the reliever med. (reliever med is a bit nasty and can't be taken for more than a few days. Fun fun. ) After a few days it escalated really badly and over the case of a few hours I couldn't open my teeth at all, so I had to go to hospital. Hospital is hardly fun at the best of time but I was really worried. I came home, packed a bag and DH drove me up to the hospital. I was very worried about panicking - I didn't want them to send me to psych emergency. I didn't think it was likely, but my fear was that they would be super busy (they were) and that someone would glance and my file, see a psych med and think 'woo hoo, I can send this lady somewhere else and then quickly get onto the next patient.' Psych emergy is AWFUL. Like, it's enough to give you a panic attack on your own. Listening to other people scream and cry and chatter while being ignored and waiting for hours while not allowed your phone, a pen, headphones, handbag, meds, book - awful awful awful. If you're not bonkers when you go in you will be after an hour. Anyway, I was worried that I might get the quick pass-on and that I might get upset and have a panic attack and get sent there because of that. Oh, and I was worried because I couldn't move my @#$%^&* jaw and was in extreme pain and the reliever med wasn't working and I couldn't keep taking it but I needed to and I needed to stop taking the original med because it's causing my jaw to seize up but I can't stop taking that medication :roll: .

ER is super busy, of course. I finally get into a room (chair, not bed). Dr is lovely AND BELIEVES ME. They give me oxycondone, diazepam and an injection of the reliever med. Nurse assures me that he's given that med to people having seizures and they're fine in 15 minutes. Nothing happens, except my blurry vision gets worse. After an hour or two I can open my jaw enough to drink water but it was still quite bad. Another injection and more oxycodone and diazepam. Everything was so blurry I couldn't even see my phone. At least I was so zonked out I didn't need to read to keep calm.

Go sent home to keep taking the oral relieve meds. Psychiatrist fit me in first up Monday morning. We need to half the dose of my meds because jaw is still tight, but we can't suddenly cut my dose. Can't keep taking the reliever med. Every single @#$%^&* option I have has NOT RECOMMENDED written in huge letters at the top of it.

We halve the meds. It goes as well as is expected. :roll:
DD1 May 2011
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Re: What if?

Post by Penguin » Tue May 30, 2017 10:52 am

The problem with being aware of/ mindful of your emotions, is you notince them all the @#$%^&* time.
I hate feeling anxious. Hate it hate it hate it.
DD1 May 2011
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DD2 Feb 2015 Storked by Parla.
Proud storker: michansam's DS3, katsbi's DD3 and Gwen's mum's DS
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Re: What if?

Post by Mummy woo! » Tue May 30, 2017 7:55 pm

Hey Penguin

So glad to hear your good news (pooh to CL) and sorry to hear of your challenges with meds and getting care.

I think of you often and it is nice to have an update. I wish we were closer.

Much love to you and your family.
It's OK Pluto, I'm not a planet either

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Re: What if?

Post by Penguin » Tue May 30, 2017 9:14 pm

Good news is my brain feel clear a lot of the time - this is good. That's what drastically cutting one's meds will do :shock:
It's nice to be able to think again. Would be even better if it came without the side order of #$%^ OFF ANXIETY.
DD1 May 2011
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Proud storker: michansam's DS3, katsbi's DD3 and Gwen's mum's DS
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Re: What if?

Post by JennyD » Thu Jun 22, 2017 4:48 pm

Hugs Penguin
Thanks for the update. I too often think about you. I hope things are improving now.

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