Weddings and family - final update and

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~WildChild~
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by ~WildChild~ » Fri Jul 18, 2014 4:22 pm

Baby Blue Eyes wrote:There has been no conflict between herself and me because basically we haven't spent any time together because when ever I see her at family gatherings it has been very difficult to get a conversation out of her. I can normally only get one worded replies. In regard to the resentment I would imagine it is because I have 'hurt' the 'love of her life' and she is going all mama bear (enough metaphors :lol: ) on me but there is a part of me that doesn't believe this and that she is a bitter hurtful person because I got to see a glimpse into her spirit about 2 months ago and I was surprise at the hate that was there directed at other people in the family.

This was actually the first time that I asked them to change their mind. The first time it came up initially the discussion was it was about the reception and I said I would go to the ceremony but we couldn't make the reception and then when I got the invite I wondered if the kids were even allowed at the ceremony so I asked and I got the answer no. I ponded on this for over a week, spoke to my mum and then thought I would write a letter and ask because I didn't know if I could trust my emotions. While it has come up 3 separate times it was the 1st time I actually asked for them to alter their decision.

In regard to her comment "for the last nine and half years I have sat back and watched each and everyone of you have your moment" they have just sat back and watched and not be involved at all in our lives. I have invited them to every single birthday and special occasion but never even get the consideration of a yes or no. I have sent emails trying to mend bridges (emails are the best way to contact my brother) and I get nothing but silence. They still haven't congratulated me for the birth of DD. I didn't even get a text, facebook message, even a facebook like from them and only met her because we went to a family gathering 2 months ago. So they have just sat back and watched. Neither of them have wanted to be a part of our special days. They have lots of special life changing days coming up wedding, future pregnancies etc were as our 'special days' are now just birthdays. They will certainly get their turn and I wish them all the best.
BBE, you are being very gracious about this all & I think are handling nicely. Even after them not being part of your special times, you still do nothing but hope for the best for them & hope they want to include you. You are being a bigger person than I could. Hugs xx
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PellyintheWilderness
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by PellyintheWilderness » Fri Jul 18, 2014 5:08 pm

^ What ~WildChild~ said. Plus a few extra hugs from me.
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breastfeedingisnormal
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by breastfeedingisnormal » Sat Jul 19, 2014 2:40 pm

After that letter, I'd just take the kids to the ceremony. (Might even give them each a nice cold can of caffeine-containing cola before we got out of the car.) Have they hired a security company to keep all the children away? No? They'll be too caught up in themselves to even notice you're there. (And even if they have hired security, I'd like to see them escorting the children off the premises - not great PR in the age of the mobile upload.) Sneak in late (sit in the car until you see the bride arrive) and sit at the back. Truly, they're not going to halt the ceremony to throw you out.

Then everyone will goo and gaa over the children and how nice it is that they came and you can either slip out while they are greeting the guests or look them straight in the eye and exclaim "Wild horses couldn't have kept them away. They're so excited about your marriage."
If the ceremony is in a church, they actually can't keep the kids (or anyone else) out. Anyone is welcome to attend any service in any church of most denominations.
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Nedsmum
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Nedsmum » Sat Jul 19, 2014 3:21 pm

Does this person also have a very broken relationship with their own family?

And yes, I think perhaps the only time they will gain a little perspective is when they have children of their own.

I would suggest, for the sake of the record, that no more communication goes in written form. I would also suggest that you do not respond at all. It is still nine weeks away. Wait a couple of weeks. Let everyone just calm down a little.

And it is completely anti-protocol for her to be responding to your email over the top of your brother...

It sounds like they have not deliberately excluded children from the first, but have chosen completely adult-centred options, without very much thought through, and now they panicking.

I wonder if they have also taken the wrong way your declining to have your son as the pageboy? For someone who does not understand children, and who perhaps has very little contact with your child, they may not at all think your 'he does not want to be in the wedding event' as more a 'parenting' problem. Which I know it is not. Our daughter was in the wedding party of her godfather, and I remember clearly explaining in the most gentle way that as long as they understood that she might freak out, and may not do what they wanted her to do, we would do our best to get her there, in a suitable dress and to do what was wanted. I even bought two dresses (just in case one got dirty) and it was fine, but there was a moment when she was at the door of the church when I went 'uh oh'.... But we were 100% included! to the best of our ability! But it sounds to me like this young couple may just be completely naive about it all (and definitely perfectionist about the wedding).

Perhaps she also does not realise that because of the broken relationship with your brother and mother, the information about no children was not conveyed to you earlier, so each attempt at communication has been assumed to be you 'pushing'? Or maybe they assume weddings are always 'childless' because in their family small children are either not included or not present? The experience of elder children in a family of having younger children around, can be quite different to being the youngest child, with no smaller children. I have a friend who had a 'miracle' baby at 42, after being told for 20 years that she and her husband were both infertile. They come from single child families, so the last baby born in the extended family was 42 years ago! It has been a very steep learning curve for her parents and also the grandparents!
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Baby Blue Eyes
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Sat Jul 19, 2014 8:09 pm

apparently her family are quite well off and are 'normal' as far as I know

Oh did I mention the ceremony is on a public beach :lol:
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Marg
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Marg » Sat Jul 19, 2014 8:23 pm

Well then, BiN's suggestion is the way to go!

Pluses....you can have a lovely picnic on the beach afterwards; you have all been to the wedding, so won't get the family disapproval; in the future when they are bitching about you, they can never say you didn't come to their wedding (or is it Special Day?); you can take confetti, rice, balloons, shoes, bubbles....all manner of things to throw at the Bride and Groom that are traditional (and they may not necessarily want); you now have the chance to be the bigger person...after the ceremony, when everyone asks why you weren't at the reception, you can just smile serenely and say "Bride and Groom felt that the venue wasn't suitable for children" and gaze off into the difference; you can take lots of selfies before, during and after the ceremony to prove you were there.....my evil twin has some ideas too, but I am trying to be a better person today, so I am not letting her type.
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breastfeedingisnormal
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by breastfeedingisnormal » Sat Jul 19, 2014 9:26 pm

Baby Blue Eyes wrote:Oh did I mention the ceremony is on a public beach :lol:
Oh, you sooo need to go to that beach on that day, wedding or no wedding. Kids, sunscreen, buckets, blankets, get right into it. Wild horsed wouldn't keep me from that party. I'll bring the popcorn :twisted:
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by mummymanda » Sat Jul 19, 2014 9:31 pm

I think might be a nice day to swim and have a picnic at the beach. Perhaps invite some friends and their families and build sand castles down the isle, splash in the ocean in the back ground of the ceremony, fly kits, frizby, cricket. Be sure to bring bread for the seagulls. They can't stop you on a public beach. If the question of why you are there you can ask the same back and exclaim "what the wedding is here bat this beach now! Thought it was at the other beach" what is she going to do if it rains? Might think she can control the guests but can't control the weather. Also can't control other families and children at the beach. Whats she going to do about the randoms and they will be there. Its a very odd situation now as it's at a public beach.
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Mummy woo! » Sat Jul 19, 2014 10:03 pm

That is super-weird to be fussy about who attends the ceremony at the beach, especially when they were going to have children in the wedding party.

Marg, I think 'Special Day' definitely should be TM, just to avoid any confusion :roll:
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Sun Jul 20, 2014 7:25 am

friends and I were planning a picnic there on the same day yesterday :lol: If I can convince dh to go the idea is he will look after the kids a short distance away and then after the ceremony I will join them for a lovely evening on the beach maybe with fish and chips
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by MamaMagoO? » Sun Jul 20, 2014 1:29 pm

Baby Blue Eyes wrote:friends and I were planning a picnic there on the same day yesterday :lol: If I can convince dh to go the idea is he will look after the kids a short distance away and then after the ceremony I will join them for a lovely evening on the beach maybe with fish and chips
That sounds like a lovely idea BBE.
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by AussieBritLu » Sun Jul 20, 2014 3:19 pm

Reading through I was feeling so angry and hurt and it isn't even me!

I definitely think that is a lovely idea.....go to the beach. :-)
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Sun Jul 20, 2014 6:47 pm

Once again thank you to you all. I'm just trying to not go wearing in doing good and not be too big headed about trying to be the 'bigger' person. Looks like dh is board for it he just doesn't want to be anywhere near the ceremony. There is a playground down the beach about 500 metres away so he will hang out there with the kids
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Mummy woo! » Sun Jul 20, 2014 8:29 pm

Sounds like you will have a plan that will work for everyone.

I can't imagine how the bride and groom will look on their SPECIAL DAY TM when/if their friends and family realise that their niece and nephews are waiting up the road because they weren't allowed to come.
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Little Tiggermum » Mon Jul 21, 2014 1:01 pm

breastfeedingisnormal wrote:
Baby Blue Eyes wrote:Oh did I mention the ceremony is on a public beach :lol:
Oh, you sooo need to go to that beach on that day, wedding or no wedding. Kids, sunscreen, buckets, blankets, get right into it. Wild horsed wouldn't keep me from that party. I'll bring the popcorn :twisted:
totally agree... do you want me to bring the somberos and sunnies?
hmmm its a bit cold down here... did you say you needed babysitters for the ceremony?? I can build sandcastles and scream and squeal with the best of them. :smt006 :smt004
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