Weddings and family - final update and

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PellyintheWilderness
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Re: Weddings and family

Post by PellyintheWilderness » Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:03 pm

Honest and dignified. Go for it. I think you speak for all of us.
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Re: Weddings and family

Post by MamaMagoO? » Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:25 pm

That is a beautiful letter BBE. I hope it is well received. Huge hugs to you. Family weddings are hard!
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Baby Blue Eyes
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Re: Weddings and family

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 18, 2014 7:32 am

The response from my future SIL

Annette,

Clearly, you didn't bother to read the wedding invitation that we arranged to have addressed to you and Matthew.
This is our wedding day. As such it would have been courteous for you to have addressed me in your email that you sent to our RSVP email address and not just solely to Peter.

The decision of no children is not new and certainly was not made by Peter alone. This has always been the case. The only child that will be present on the day is the flower girl and she will be leaving right after the ceremony. Peter contacted you out of respect to ask for Matthew's and your permission before asking Tobias to be the pageboy. If he doesn't feel comfortable in doing so, that is ok. If Tobias was going to be in the bridal party, we thought it would only be fair to the both of you and his brothers and sister to let them all come along to the ceremony, but since this is no longer the case, none of the children will be at the ceremony.

You were informed prior to the invitations being sent that the reception was not suitable for children, so I think it is very unreasonable for you to now be requesting us to reconsider allowing four children to attend not only our ceremony, but now also our adult only wedding reception that is only 9 weeks away. Despite the numerous logistical headaches this would cause me at such a time, the venue in itself it simply not suitable for children and certainly not of their ages. The reception is being held on a roof top terrace, up four flights of stairs. There is also a roof top pool. There are balustrades surrounding the terrace that the children could easily try and squeeze through and fall.

Annette, for the last nine and half years I have sat back and watched each and everyone of you have your moment. For once this is mine and Peter's. We have never asked anyone for anything. For once, all we are asking is if you want to come - come. If you don't - don't. We have made decisions on what we would like our ONE special day to be like and for once it is going to be what we want. Please let us know if you will be coming. We hope to see you there.

Tanya
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Jenbt85 » Fri Jul 18, 2014 8:32 am

:shock: are you ok?
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Mummy woo! » Fri Jul 18, 2014 8:41 am

OMG BBE - I know there is a lot of history behind all this, but seriously? The patronising explainey tone is totally uncalled for.

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Baby Blue Eyes
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:07 am

I'm ok was a bit shocked and was physically shaking about the tone and the aggression. 'The more I get to know my future SIL the more I don't want to know her.

It was a last ditch effort on my behalf to be the bigger person and I'm ok.

There are a lot of things I could point out which is crazy. Was happy for the kids to come to the ceremony but now ds1 isn't wanting to do none of them can come :? Her anger about me not including her name in the opening line but my brother hasn't signed the email? :?

DH said he isn't going (I don't blame him) so unless he changes his mind I can't go the ceremony because that would involve me leaving dd for about 5 hours and I'm ready to do that yet. (nearly 4 hour round trip to wedding)
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Mummy woo! » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:19 am

Baby Blue Eyes wrote:I'm ok was a bit shocked and was physically shaking about the tone and the aggression. 'The more I get to know my future SIL the more I don't want to know her.

It was a last ditch effort on my behalf to be the bigger person and I'm ok.

There are a lot of things I could point out which is crazy. Was happy for the kids to come to the ceremony but now ds1 isn't wanting to do none of them can come :? Her anger about me not including her name in the opening line but my brother hasn't signed the email? :?

DH said he isn't going (I don't blame him) so unless he changes his mind I can't go the ceremony because that would involve me leaving dd for about 5 hours and I'm ready to do that yet. (nearly 4 hour round trip to wedding)
Someone spoke down to me this week in a similar way and it really does hit you in the pit of the stomach, doesn't it? None of it makes any sense, and while she is obviously stressed about the wedding, she doesn't get to treat you poorly because she is stressed (wedding-stress is self-inflicted anyway.)

I vote for staying home. You made the effort, it hasn't worked, look after yourself. There is going to be fall out with your mum though, isn't there?

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Baby Blue Eyes
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:28 am

actually the fall out with mum might not be too bad as long as she doesn't try and get involved I had a talk with her on Sunday about it and she was the one who encouraged us to try and I just told her, She wants a copy of the letter but I don't want this to go any further
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by PellyintheWilderness » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:29 am

Mummy woo! wrote:Wedding-stress is self-inflicted anyway.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Does anybody really believe that the whole expensive Bridezilla extravaganza is going to give them happier memories than a simple cocktail frock and a nice glass of champagne with the people they love?
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:31 am

dh typed this letter up a couple of weeks ago and he plans to send it

Dear Peter and Tanya

Annette, Tobias, Ethan, Jacob, Sarah and I regretfully advise
that with a sad heart will respectfully accept your decisions to not allow children to be present on your special day, unfortunately due to distance and the lack of loving family in Cairns who we can trust to leave our Four young children with, will be unable to attend your Happy Day
We are sorry Peter that we wont be there to see you make that special commitment to a lovely young woman like you Tanya
Annette and I will only be able to reflect back to our day of union, full of excited emotions and hope, praying that you both have a truly faithfully blessed day, greater than ours, overflowing with dreams of past, present and future events, allowing you both to live in the present full of growth and fruitfulness
Go forth young man, be the man you are called to be. Hold his hand young woman and allow him to walk on that path he is called to walk.

Peter and Tanya May the Spirit of creation the King of Kings and Lord of lords enter you as one and whisper mysteries into your heart We pray you are found humbled before Him when he calls your name. ''Lords who am I and what have you done with My son Jesus the one called Christ''

Looking forward to greeting you both in the near future as Mr. and Mrs. G
May you bare many sons and keep that noble name

Love
Matthew and Annette, Tobias, Ethan, Jacob and Sarah Berry-Porter, Brother, Sister Nephews and Niece
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:46 am

thanks for letting me have a place to work through this. I know I'm not on the forum much and I don't give too much support here anymore so I very much appreciate it and help me not feel like I'm being completely unreasonable
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by mummymanda » Fri Jul 18, 2014 10:43 am

PellyintheWilderness wrote:
Mummy woo! wrote:Wedding-stress is self-inflicted anyway.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Does anybody really believe that the whole expensive Bridezilla extravaganza is going to give them happier memories than a simple cocktail frock and a nice glass of champagne with the people they love?
OH WOW!! So sorry BBE she could have explained that with an empathetic loving tone that letter is just horrible. Go out on the wedding day and have a lovely family day just the 6 of you and possibly mark the occasion in your own way. Could you all make a special piece of art work from nature or something when out to present to them at a later date? Could you organise a celebration when they get back from their honeymoon with the families with kids not included something totally fun for the kids and adults alike (fishing, adult jumping castle, big picnic with cricket and ball games) I can totally understand not wanting to do anything but it could be a good way to move past this as I can see it being an issue for a long time for Tanya.

So glad I organised my very cheap wedding in 3 months on a shoe string and everyone was invited at some capacity or another. Couldn't accommodate the great aunts and uncles in the hall we used so we had afternoon tea after the ceremony and mingled with them, then got photos then went onto the reception. All the kids made the night fun and fantastic. I can understand wanting to do things their way with no children at the reception but at least meet halfway and have close children at the ceremony. Some of my best memories are attending weddings as a child. I was at my cousins wedding when I was 8 which was on a small boat, ran up and down the deck, danced with the captain, drove the boat, not exactly child friendly location either.

I can only hope that looking back with children of their own they may regret their decision and how it was handled.
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by MamaMagoO? » Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:04 pm

Oh BBE. That is so sad. Your letter was so beautiful and to have a response like this is heart breaking. Be proud of yourself for making that one last effort and bow out gracefully now. Lots of hugs lovely .
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Parla.
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Parla. » Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:58 pm

I wonder how much of this is that your future SIL sees this has Her Day, whereas maybe you see the wedding as part of your relationship with your brother (and her by extension)? So you want to be part of it, and she wants it to be perfect. There is some hurt coming through her letter too, perhaps because she doesn't have the perspective to understand where you are coming from and why you keep bringing this up (even though you were "informed prior"). It sounds like she has built up a few resentments over the past nine and a half years. Maybe she will change her view with time, but probably not in the next 9 weeks. There is, after all, a billion dollar industry backing her view and it can be hard not to buy in.
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Re: Weddings and family - UPDATED

Post by Baby Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 18, 2014 3:42 pm

There has been no conflict between herself and me because basically we haven't spent any time together because when ever I see her at family gatherings it has been very difficult to get a conversation out of her. I can normally only get one worded replies. In regard to the resentment I would imagine it is because I have 'hurt' the 'love of her life' and she is going all mama bear (enough metaphors :lol: ) on me but there is a part of me that doesn't believe this and that she is a bitter hurtful person because I got to see a glimpse into her spirit about 2 months ago and I was surprise at the hate that was there directed at other people in the family.

This was actually the first time that I asked them to change their mind. The first time it came up initially the discussion was it was about the reception and I said I would go to the ceremony but we couldn't make the reception and then when I got the invite I wondered if the kids were even allowed at the ceremony so I asked and I got the answer no. I ponded on this for over a week, spoke to my mum and then thought I would write a letter and ask because I didn't know if I could trust my emotions. While it has come up 3 separate times it was the 1st time I actually asked for them to alter their decision.

In regard to her comment "for the last nine and half years I have sat back and watched each and everyone of you have your moment" they have just sat back and watched and not be involved at all in our lives. I have invited them to every single birthday and special occasion but never even get the consideration of a yes or no. I have sent emails trying to mend bridges (emails are the best way to contact my brother) and I get nothing but silence. They still haven't congratulated me for the birth of DD. I didn't even get a text, facebook message, even a facebook like from them and only met her because we went to a family gathering 2 months ago. So they have just sat back and watched. Neither of them have wanted to be a part of our special days. They have lots of special life changing days coming up wedding, future pregnancies etc were as our 'special days' are now just birthdays. They will certainly get their turn and I wish them all the best.
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