Help, don't know what to do (very long post, sorry)

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mum_of_2_boys
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Help, don't know what to do (very long post, sorry)

Post by mum_of_2_boys » Mon May 31, 2010 10:27 am

I'm thinking of leaving my husband. Before we go married and had kids he said that he was over his "issues" and that he only had them coz he was very lonely. Well, he definitely isn't over his issues and its become a huge problem in our life.

He was raised without a father from about age four and lived with his sister, mother and two female cousins. Since he was a child he has been obsessed about dressing in women's clothing. A few years before I met him, he was actually wanting to become a women and have surgery for it. He did the whole thing - grew his hair long, got his ears pierced, grew his nails... He has only had one girlfriend which only lasted about a year until I came along. Only a few people acutually know about his problem.

When we got together he was extremely happy and his issues were pretty much in the past. He promised me before we got married that his issues were no longer. Now since we got married its become a huge problem. He wants to "dress up" and expects me to act like he's a normal husband and everything is fine. He even dressed in front of my boys which made me VERY angry. We've been fighting about it the last few days and I told him I'm thinking of leaving him. He said that the boys and I were more important to him and cut up all the clothing he had stashed away and threw it out. Since he did that he's been a miserable prick. I don't know what to do. He said that he's so insanely jealous of me that I get to wear what I want. I know he'll resent me, if he doesn't already. He thinks about it all the time and I can't even wear what I want coz he gets jealous.

He won't go to therapy bcoz he see's nothing wrong with what he does and that society is the problem. I have no one to talk to about this. I can't even tell my mum bcoz she won't be objective and she'll be disappointed in me for marrying him and will definitely tell me to leave.

I feel like my life is crumbling apart. I don't know what to do.

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mum2H&R
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Post by mum2H&R » Mon May 31, 2010 10:31 am

Could you go to counselling to get help with how to deal with this? If he can't see that it's a problem then it doesn't sound like he's likely to change. I'm so sorry that you are going through this
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Post by ~K~ » Mon May 31, 2010 10:38 am

I agree that you both need counselling. I think that cross dressing is something that is never going to go away, no matter how much either of you want it to. I also agree that it's society in general that has the problem, he's not hurting anyone by doing it. I also think though that you both have to be happy that he is doing it. Such a hard place for both of you :(

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mum_of_2_boys
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Post by mum_of_2_boys » Mon May 31, 2010 10:44 am

Its not just the cross dressing tho. He wanted a sex change at one stage. He said if he could go back 20 years he'd change into a women. The only reason he doesn't do it now is that he said he'd make an ugly women (partly bcoz he's going bald, big hands etc).

He won't go to conselling coz he sees nothing wrong with it. If he sees nothing wrong with it than what can I do?

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Post by Little Tiggermum » Mon May 31, 2010 10:55 am

counselling could help him understand and maybe adapt...
But definately I think you sound like you need to tak to a counsellor to talk over your options, feelings, etc... no matter what happens. You need to talk to someone definately.

It sounds a little like he's given up some of his dream of being a woman... and yes I can understand why he would be jealous of you being able to be what he wants to be. Haven't some of us been inthat situation with pregnancy? others around us falling pregnant when we want to be?
How does dressing up make him feel? how is it affecting you, and how are you feeling when he dresses up? what effect so you think it has on your boys?
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Post by mum_of_2_boys » Mon May 31, 2010 11:04 am

Little Tiggermum - My oldest son is 2, so he doesn't understand. I'm worried that father is not a good role model for the boys. How are they supposed to learn about being a man and their sexuality later on when dad dresses like that?

I feel humiliated. Especially when we went shopping together in target and he was looking at clothes for himself in the ladies dept. And yesterday before I threw out MY bathing suits, he begged me to let him try them on.

When he dresses up, puts earrings on etc he said it makes him feel "bliss" and more like a woman.

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Post by Little Tiggermum » Mon May 31, 2010 11:12 am

this is stuff that he needs to know in the presence of a professional. I'm pretty sure that there would be studies that would help address your fears and the counsellor would know of them. You and your boys will have to deal with this in some way in your life, and it seems fairly obvious that he won't stop it, and even if you did separate, you wouldn't be able to stop him doing it in front of your boys. This is where the professional counselling would come in handy in order to assist you to deal with your husband's issues and address them in terms of your boys.
It's easy for us to sit back and say that it isn't causing harm when we're not there, and a professional would be able to point to specific behaviours and say this can cause this and give you some tools to help you. Every thing has an effect, even if it is that hubby's behaviour is embarressing you and you're thinking of leaving him because of it.
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Post by ~K~ » Mon May 31, 2010 11:14 am

{{hugs}} again I have no idea how hard this must be for you because I've never been in your situation. I think that he still needs to come to terms with the loss of his dream and you need to come to terms with the fact that he was never over it. I know that this is hard but counselling is the only way to do this, if you go here http://www.seahorsesoc.org/ it's a starting point for getting help for both of you. If you go to the partners section there seems to be some help for you I haven't had a look through the whole thing. If you google cross dressing/transgender in your state you will also be able to access more help good luck :-)

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Post by Bluebell » Mon May 31, 2010 12:23 pm

Hugs, this is a hard one. Whilst I don't actually see that there is anything wrong with him wanting to cross dress (many men do) he obviously has some gender issues that he needs to work through. And I suppose that you need to decide whether or not you can cope with this side of him. I don't think it is a bad thing for your boys to witness, I am sure there are other male role models in their life who they can learn from too and they will learn to understand their Dad for who he is, although it may not be easy at times. I would like my children to grow up and be open minded towards other peoples differences. My DH has grown up with a gay mother and it certainly hasn't effected his masculinity or attitudes towards either sex.
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Post by Feebes » Mon May 31, 2010 1:30 pm

Bluebell wrote:Hugs, this is a hard one. Whilst I don't actually see that there is anything wrong with him wanting to cross dress (many men do) he obviously has some gender issues that he needs to work through. And I suppose that you need to decide whether or not you can cope with this side of him. I don't think it is a bad thing for your boys to witness, I am sure there are other male role models in their life who they can learn from too and they will learn to understand their Dad for who he is, although it may not be easy at times. I would like my children to grow up and be open minded towards other peoples differences. My DH has grown up with a gay mother and it certainly hasn't effected his masculinity or attitudes towards either sex.
Yeah these are my thoughs too.

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Post by nermylama » Mon May 31, 2010 1:35 pm

Huge hugs, that must be so hard to go through. I'm thinking that since he doesn't think that there is anything wrong with his behaviour he isn't going to stop this so I second, third, forth the decision to get counselling for yourself, with counselling you might come to a point where you can accept that this is him and live with it, or you might come to the point where you realise that this isn't what you want for your life, and that's fine too, I don't think there's any right or wrong way for you to feel about this.
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Post by Nedsmum » Mon May 31, 2010 2:59 pm

Depending on who you talk to, you are going to get lots of different opinions on what is right/wrong about your husband and your own response as well...

Personally, I think that he derives some reassurance/peace/enjoyment from cross-dressing, likes the way it makes him feel, and reflects something else going on psychologically for him...

Your response of embarrassment/shame/anger also says something about your own sense of right/wrong, gender stereotyping and culture...perhaps also some underlying homo-phobic thoughts or feelings (for example, worrying your son would become 'gay' if he sees his dad cross-dressing...


I think you can do a lot to work through your own feelings/concerns/anger, even if your husband doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behaviour/feelings/enjoyment... if his obsession is a stress/anxiety/abuse/addictive response...then pressure won't make him change...only exacerbate the problem usually...

You can start with yourself, you cannot start with him...modeling acceptance rather than shame is also an important part of what you can show your son...tricky, but your disapproval may have more impact on your son (who loves his dad unconditionally) than the actual behaviour...
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Post by catsmilk » Mon May 31, 2010 6:12 pm

(((Hugs))) I can understand why you are struggling. It can be really hard to overcome our believes about what our society has taught as is "abnormal" behaviour. My ex had an uncle who enjoyed wearing womens clothing. He was happily married with children. One year he turned up to the new years party in a school girl outfit. At the time I was horrified! Now I am rather embarrased at my reaction!

I do agree with nedsmum that you also need to sort through your emotions on this. Even if your realtionship is not able to be salvaged he is still the father of your children, so he will always be in your life. And you will have the added factor of helping your children understand why their father likes to wear womens clothing. Please talk to someone. Good luck xx
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Post by mummysairsair » Tue Jun 01, 2010 12:20 am

It sounds like a very challenging situation for you to be in. That link ~K~ put up is brilliant, and there is so much information on the partners page http://www.seahorsesoc.org/partners.html to help you feel less alone and learn how others have coped. They even have a helpline manned by wives of cross dressing men, and a forum! It's wonderful that you can trust us to share in this challenging time with you, but I bet those ladies would understand so much more about what you are specifically feeling and having to deal with.

Obviously cross dressing is something very important to your husband, and no doubt it has been difficult for him to supress those feelings in the time you have been together until now. You might find it helps to sit quietly with him and show him that although you are struggling with his behaviour right now, you respect that it is important to him. If you are able to calmly explain your concerns, and listen to his, hopefully together you will be able to find a way to deal with his need to cross dress.

I don't doubt many of the women on the seahorse (and at other cross dressing organisations) have seriously considered leaving their husbands. In fact, many of them may have. But if you do decide that it is just a total deal breaker and there is no way you could ever accept it, please seek counselling on your own or as a couple first.

Please follow that link, there is information about raising children and the effects of cross dressing on children. It may help you to see that your boys are going to be ok, regardless of what clothes their dad wears. Remember, families come in all shapes and forms, and with the right support, children will grow up happy healthy and well adjusted.

Thinking of you !@!@
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Post by JC » Tue Jun 01, 2010 7:30 am

No advice, just *hugs*
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