spin off from Jessles thread

Stressed….depressed or just feeling emotionally isolated and in need of a chat? Sometimes the labels don’t fit but the emotional baggage we carry is the same…….if your life isn’t all beautiful like the nappy ads would have us believe, feel free to have a chat here. It’s important to have somewhere safe where you can be yourself and talk about the things that REALLY matter.


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mummymanda
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spin off from Jessles thread

Post by mummymanda » Fri Oct 24, 2014 10:58 pm

I have decided that AD's are a very last resort for me like Nedsmum I am not a medicine taker and I think this is part of the reason I am suffering AND as I have taken my pregnancy vitamins a total of about 5 times (multi, calcium mag, vit D, iron and B12) so as you can see alot of these being low leads to feeling crap. Feeling crap starts a vicious cycle of not caring and not taking vitamins more etc etc. Add to this 3 crappy psychs, a DH who doesn't understand why I feel like I do and who doesn't talk or listen properly nor seem to take how I feel seriously, my exercise class (zumba) not running anymore and I have not been able to access another suitable one it was my happy outlet when preg with DD3 and loss of friends and people I talked to and I understand why I feel like I do.

Anyway how many psychs do you go through before you give up? I loved my old psych we got on well and we were on the same page, she told me she was only a phonecall away if needed for a chat or to rebook appointments. Anyway that doesn't seem true as she no longer practices and has referred me to other psychs who have either been booked out months in advance or too expensive. I have asked for advice from her and got the short shift so I feel a bit cheated. I have exhausted all the "free" services for AND specialist in my area and remembered yesterday that a social worker was supposed to re-book an appointment back in july so I have fallen off her radar too. I have emailed all the psychs in the area that deal with AND and they all charge alot for appointments. A family member is going through some stuff and they have access to heavily discounted mental health services through work policy. I said to DH "Oh how I wish we had access to that" his reply was "We do I have the same thing at my work" :smt021 :smt073 ](*,) So after 8 months of stuffing around and telling him how I was getting nowhere with these horrible psychs I could have been seeing one close to home after hours. I guess DH thinks the last 8 months has been a show and game for me. Anyhow he was supposed to get details from HR on monday its now friday so its yet another thing he forgot to do with me. However even if I do set this up I dont know if I can do another psych. I really would like someone to talk to but on my terms and my agenda and what I feel needs to come out and be worked on in that moment/week. I completely understand they are professionals and they can see things I cant, but sometimes there are things I have dealt with in my own way that I dont need magnifying or things that to me are not what I feel I need to deal with at that moment. 2 of the psychs wanted to go on and on about how unhelpful they presumed DH was and strategies I needed to get him to change, I asked to talk about something else and they managed to turn it back to DH. It added extra to my stress at that time and didn't lighten my load any more. I am someone who can pretty much work out my own "stuff" but I pretty much need to unpack it all and repack it differently but it seems the psychs I saw wont allow this to happen.

Sorry this is more of a vent/rant but I really do not know where to from here. I know deep down I need to look after myself more to begin with but I am so stuck in my rut that I cant get out and no one is really giving me a hand up. I ultimately would like DH to be more interested in my mental health than he is but that is not going to happen, if he showed he cared maybe I might care too. After tonights effort doesnt look like I can even go out even if I wanted an hour to exercise or grab a coffee with a friend. I can't get DD3 looked after during the day she gets looked after on a wednesday by my mum and that is enough for her to deal with and occasional care plus the cost of exercise is out of reach. I dunno I hate being in this rut
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Nedsmum
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Re: spin off from Jessles thread

Post by Nedsmum » Sat Oct 25, 2014 12:10 am

If it was me ? I would probably throw a 'nana' at my husband...

I had to learn (the hard way) that DH is not a mind-reader. Sometimes I have to be so blunt...it's embarrassing... :oops:

It's ok for you to take charge of the psych appointments... I also found it useful to bring DH along to some appointments. We are a conservative couple in terms of our family lifestyle (modest clothing, minimal drinking, conservative values) but I think our marriage relationship is a much more balanced partnership than most people I know... And DH is extremely supportive, often even more than people expect... So it's easy to assume and be wrong...
Breastmilk - the ultimate 'brain food'!!!

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mummymanda
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Re: spin off from Jessles thread

Post by mummymanda » Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:19 am

I dont think I can be anymore blunt than saying "I really dont want to be here anymore" as well as crying to sleep. I was told once "shut the f up and go to sleep which he never remembers. Otherwise I am grunted at and get a bit of an eye roll and an exasperated "well what do you want me to do?" or a "what more can I do I have been helping". When I ask him to listen or tell him whats wrong he gets frustrated or I get told "dont be stupid" "its always my fault" "what would you like me to do about it"

I would like to take charge of arranging psych appts but I have no idea about the work policy or even the fund name or anything. His work frowns on people calling for such info and I think he would be pretty annoyed if I did so. He keeps telling me I only need to ask him once to do things maybe twice, I have been asking him 10 years now to roll his super, I need a particular thing from the garage to make a keepsake that I wanted to wear giving birth and I was going to get myself for my birthday I have asked him to move the things to get to it politely several times over the last few months, my birthday has passed and the 8 week turnaround before I have this baby has also passed so its pointless now.

As for taking him to psych appts I took him to my old psych for the first few appts for moral support and she did a few couples sessions which I found helpful. 5 years on he still tells me that she hated him and he thinks she was awful etc. I have requested we go to couples counseling together and he flat out refuses as "it will be all about how crap I (he) am and all put on me because I cant articulate my feelings and cant talk." There is also a large cost involved and or the cost of a babysitter.

I make him sound like a complete A$$hole but deep down he isn't. I know he does try and my depression has impacted him a lot. The start of this year we were fantastic probably the most in sync ever. This baby has put a huge strain on me and then thats impacted us to a point where essentially we have both shut down. I dont think 2 of the psychs helped the process either by focusing on me making him change/listen which I know wont help or happen, I needed to fix myself and my feelings so it wasn't so overwhelming and break it down myself they were not willing to help me with that. The last psych who thought filing paperwork and being 40 min late to see me for my appt when I was in a timed 1hr park and sitting in a stuffy waiting room with 200 other people was the last straw. She then put me being upset to hysterical tears back on me saying its because I am insecure that I am upset and I shouldnt be so upset.
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Yankee
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Re: spin off from Jessles thread

Post by Yankee » Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:50 pm

Big hugs hon, you have been through a lot and it's not fair that you don't have a supportive partner. It is never ok to belittle your partner! If he doesn't want to support you and wants to know what more he can do, he can do everything he can to help you find a psych that you click with who can provide the support that he is unwilling or unable to give. I know it's easy for me to say from this end of the internet, but if you are entitled to that support through his work than it is an entitlement, even if they 'frown on it'. Plenty of workplaces 'frown on' maternity leave, breastfeeding or sick leave but too bad for them, it's your right. Not trying to belittle how hard it might be to get the information you need, just trying to encourage you to get what you are entitled to!
DD born September 2013

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