where to from here?

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Jasmine
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where to from here?

Post by Jasmine » Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:19 am

I have been so cold towards dh lately, I just dont want to be touched by him :cry: I dont feel like I ever want to be intimate with him again

A few weeks ago I was at his sisters as she is going through a separation so I spent the weekend with her and while i was there he was on the live porn site and looking at things on youtube :( since finding that he has done it again I just cant be with him, all I can picture is him "chatting with her"and how I dont measure up to what those girls look like. The thought of all of it just makes me feel sick.

Im not angry about it anymore, I just dont want to be with him.

How do I explain all of this? I have been cold towards him ever since finding out ( I havent told him that I know I just cant be bothered with going through all of it again)

help, how does a loveless marriage survive?

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Andypandy
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Post by Andypandy » Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:25 am

Hugs. I think some counselling by yourself to get your head around how you feel and then some counselling with him to deliver the news.

I am sorry you are going through a tough time.
DS1: May 09 Breastfed 2y7m
DS2: Oct 2012 Breastfed 2y1m I am pretending he is weaned
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Amba
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Post by Amba » Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:35 am

so sorry your going through this, but to be brutally honest if he isn't willing to put anything into it, I don't know if it could survive. Are you going to be ok with living like this for the best part of your life, i know your concerned about your children and thats because your a wonderful mum, but what happens in say 20 years time, the kids move out and you feel like your youth has been wasted to a point.

Your children deserve to be part of a happy, content and loving household which is something you would want ( I KNOW THAT HAS COME OUT WRONG BECAUSE IM NOT SAYING THEY ARENT LOVED OR HAPPY IYKWIM) , sure everyone has there ups and downs and I believe children need to know (within reason) that things (relationships) need to be worked at at times, but you sound so unhappy and have done for a some time.

Life is for living and being happy, you so deserve this.

Many hugs

Amba
Ambam

All because two people fell in love <3

DD1 Emmasyn 7
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athome
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Post by athome » Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:58 am

Jasmine, have you only felt this way since finding out about the porn ?

How long have you felt like you are in a "loveless marriage" ?

Looking back on your relationship what is the most recent memory you have of feeling in love with your DH ?

There is an understanding that women need to feel loved to have sex , men need sex to feel loved. If you "cancel" sex out of the equation do you feel like your relationship is retrievable on any other level ?

misspurr
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Post by misspurr » Tue Mar 20, 2012 12:44 pm

Just because your husband looks at porn (Or live cams) doesn't mean he doesn't love you. My husband OFTEN looks at porn, including gay porn. I don't feel that he loves me any less because of it. I know he loves me. Men are visual creatures.

Just because your husband is looking at porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. He's a man, and men have sexual needs. I'm not saying it's your fault, (Because I don't feel that looking at porn is a fault) ....but if you're not having sex with him, and being cold towards him....what do you expect? Of course he's going to look at porn! ALL men look at porn! Especially when they are not getting any love and affection from their partner.

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nat*4
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Post by nat*4 » Tue Mar 20, 2012 12:53 pm

Whoa!!!! Very insensitive I think misspurr, and please don't generalise not ALL men look at porn and saying that if your man will look at porn if he's not getting any is disrespectful to any husband who understands sometimes we just don't feel like it.. My husband doesn't look at porn anymore NOT because he's a prude or not into it but out of respect for me, his wife, because I don't like it.. There are some men who respect their women enough to do that with no I'll feelings towards his partner...

And hugs to you jasmine xxxxx
DS1 2003, DS2 2008, DS3 2010 and some little angel babies <3<3
Hoping to add to my little brood :):)

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Andypandy
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Post by Andypandy » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:03 pm

I think that was very harsh misspurr. There is a long context to Jasmine's story. Just because you are comfortable with your husband looking at porn doesn't mean someone else has to be.

Jasmine is clearly having a tough time in her relationship and needs support not judgement.
DS1: May 09 Breastfed 2y7m
DS2: Oct 2012 Breastfed 2y1m I am pretending he is weaned
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misspurr
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Post by misspurr » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:04 pm

I wasn't being insensitive, I was posing another opinion. Just because it's not a popular opinion, doesn't mean I was being insensitive.

I do believe strongly that ALL men look at porn. One of my husbands friends has told his wife he doesn't as she finds it so offensive, but he does. Just not at home and not where she can see it.

All I was saying, is, men who look at porn still respect their partner! They still love their partner. For someone to say they feel unloved, or unattractive because someone looks at porn, I think is terrible! It's just not the way it is!

Women read romance novels, and lets face it, even trashy MIlls & Boon novels have literary sex in them - women read this - it's basically literary porn, and they don't find it offensive, but they find pictures and videos? I find it an unfair double standard.

I have a VERY open mind towards sex, nudity, porn. I believe that a lot of the problems stem from the way we were brought up, to believe that nudity, sex etc. is something dirty that should be hidden away. I strongly believe that adults have a moral and ethical right to view any legal pornography they want - and I do believe that all men do, and to say they don't is deceiving yourself.

misspurr
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Post by misspurr » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:14 pm

I made my comments based on the information provided. I wasn't judging - I was stating my opinion. Just because you don't agree with it, doesn't make it unsupportive.

I find it quite shocking that people would automatically suggest she leave her husband! Seriously? Break up a marriage because he looks at PORN? I don't find that supportive - I find that extremely judgemental and unhelpful.

Clearly there are issues with this couple and they need to talk about them with each other. Telling her to leave her husband because what he's doing is not helpful or supportive. IMO it's derisive and REALLY unempowering. It's telling her that she doesn't have the ability to talk to her husband, get professional help and sort things out.

Sorry, but unless there is a case of violence in a marriage or the children are at risk of harm, I do not believe that "Leave and you'll be happy" is a supportive or empowering first choice!

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Andypandy
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Post by Andypandy » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:16 pm

misspurr wrote:but if you're not having sex with him, and being cold towards him....what do you expect? Of course he's going to look at porn! ALL men look at porn! Especially when they are not getting any love and affection from their partner.
I think this is insensitive. The point is Jasmine is not asking if it is ok for her husband to look at porn. She does not like it and it is causing concern in her relationship.

I don't think someone should put up with something in a relationship if it is upsetting them. The issue needs to be resolved.

Jasmine - sorry to take this off track. I just want you to know it is completely valid and ok for you not to like something.
DS1: May 09 Breastfed 2y7m
DS2: Oct 2012 Breastfed 2y1m I am pretending he is weaned
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misspurr
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Post by misspurr » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:20 pm

Of course it's valid to not like something! BUT there is a difference between not liking something and having a problem with it, so much, that you're wanting to end your marriage over it!

The problem is not her not liking it, it's her extreme reaction. It's cause HER pain and HER angst. Right? That's the problem. She's the one suffering. And if she is suffering then she needs to do something to help herself, if she can't talk to her husband about it, why does no one suggest counselling? There is clearly more going on than someone looking at some harmless porn.

Suggesting someone leave their partner because they "don't like" something they do, rather than finding out why they have this extreme reaction and working to make them feel better is, IMO, extremely irresponsible.

Her feelings of upset and pain and hurt are NOT going to go away, simply because they are parted!

athome
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Post by athome » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:49 pm

Jasmine as you can see from the previous posts there are two valid sides to the porn issue which is why I ask if its solely about the porn or have you been feeling this way before you found out about that.

If you took sex out of the equation do you have a relationship you want to save ?



( and for those OTT I think Misspurr was in fact being supportive she said " Just because he looks at porn doesnt mean he doesnt love you" that is supportive, when your feeling fragile its important sometimes just to be reminded that despite things that are happening you are loved.

And Misspurr I dont think anyone suggested she just leave. The posts previous to yours including my own were offering support and trying to help. Jasmine may be angry and hurt but she loved this man at some point and he loved her. Relationships have been retrieved from worse places than this one. Only Jasmine knows whats really going on. xx)

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jenandchloe
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Post by jenandchloe » Tue Mar 20, 2012 2:08 pm

I think this has to do with the fact that he hides it from her as well, there is a lot more history to this than just this one episode. I get that men look at porn, but I also get that is is reasonable to expect openness and honesty about it.

Super hugs from me Jasmine, can you get some counselling to work things through a bit?

Jen

Amba
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Post by Amba » Tue Mar 20, 2012 2:09 pm

Also I was offerring my opinion based on previous threads that Jasmine has posted over many many months to which I had read, not because of this one instance.

Again Jasmine many hugs.
Ambam

All because two people fell in love <3

DD1 Emmasyn 7
DD2 Brielle 4
DS3 Braxson 8 weeks

misspurr
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Post by misspurr » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:30 pm

If he loves her, and cares about her, and KNOWS his porn is an issue to her....I can understand why he would hide it. Hiding it might demonstrate that he CARES about her feelings, rather than he is doing the 'wrong thing'.

His hiding it, may demonstrate his feelings of caring her, rather than him "lying".

I think many of us in relationships, might tell the odd white lie, or hide things (such as price tags!) to stop our partner getting upset. It doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love/respect the other person...it might simply mean you are sparing their feelings!

If you look hard enough, you will always find something to upset you.

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