Carer says time to stop breastfeeding

Returning to the paid workforce, study or just going out for the night. Discuss issues related to leaving your baby with a carer here

Carer says time to stop breastfeeding

Postby Bianca86 » Fri Apr 12, 2013 5:43 pm

So my 1yo LO has been going to family dc for 3 months now and he's never been a good sleeper but today the carer said its probably time to stop because he's started to scream when he's put down and waking up screaming. I put this down to him getting teeth but I felt awkward because I don't want to give up breastfeeding yet but I don't want her to resent him because I'm still feeding him and its makes is harder for her to put him to sleep.

One of the reasons I want to keep feeding him is because its easier for me to put him to sleep! Any suggestions on how to talk about an alternative approach for putting him to sleep with the carer? (up until now she says she rocks him for a bit and then puts him down but she's just taken on a 41/2 month old so its probably going to be more difficult for her, until now he was the youngest).

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Postby whitto04 » Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:26 pm

Hugs for you and your DS.
I am currently BF my 14 month old to sleep. She has been in daycare for 2 months now, and is one of their best sleepers. a 3 hour nap is normal for her at daycare. At home, she is always fed to sleep- at care, she won't even take a bottle.
Will one of the babies settle in a rocker? Can she wear one in a sling or carrier?
I hope your carer can learn new ways to settle your DS.
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Postby DellaWellaWoman » Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:33 pm

I used a long daycare centre, but two carers somehow managed to get 8 'babies' (6 weeks - 15 months) to sleep every day, so there has to be a way to do it.

DD1 weaned at 5y 7m, and DD2 is 'still' feeding at just under 4, so sleep isn't a problem now, but as 1-ish year olds, DD1 generally went to sleep in one of those motorised swing things, and DD2 was happy being patted/rocked.

I'd suggest she try a carrier if she's willing?

I'm not sure how she thinks weaning will make settling easier? Surely that'd just upset your LO more?
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Postby Gwen's Mum » Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:52 pm

That sounds like a difficult situation for you - I could understand your wanting to maintain a good relationship with the FDC mum, but at the same time the relationship you have with your LO is your business, not the carer's. Her business is to provide appropriate care for your child, and to find mutually-agreeable options for soothing, settling, sleep, and all the other things that you're employing her for during that time.

As others have mentioned, there are lots of options for settling a baby that don't involve breastfeeding - in our situation, my DP looked after my DD when I returned to part-time work. She was 13 months and had basically been fed to sleep that whole time - first day with DP, she fell asleep after a book and a cuddle. :shock: :lol: She also falls asleep with rocking, patting, walks in the pram, being carried in a sling or wrap... Lots of other similar examples out there, too.

And as for what's causing the unsettledness - you're right, it could be teething, or a thousand other normal developmental things that are happening at that age. If you were to wean, it's fairly certain that most if not all of those things would continue on regardless. And then, as you say, you've lost your magic calming, comforting and sleep-inducing tool!

Follow your instinct and do what's right for you and your LO. Hope you find a solution that works for you. :)
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Postby Nedsmum » Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:52 pm

There is a clingy phase that starts around 10 months, peaks at 14 months and starts to fade around 18 months.

What is the carer asking you to do really ? Sounds to me like the carer is not really sure what they are wanting ?

I highly doubt it's about breastfeeding. The vast majority of babies at my workplace (long day care from 4 months upwards) are not breastfed, and they still go through this clingy phase around 1 year old, have periods of teething or illness, and start to refuse sleep at various stages.

Somewhere around 12-14-16 months I'd also expect them to drop from two or more naps per day, to one longer one. It can be a tough month or two when they are 'in between' - not sure if they need one nap or two...
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Postby Snake Hips Mcroy » Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:56 am

Gosh that sounds really hard. I'd be so upset if someone asked me to stop breastfeeding to make *their* life easier. And one year is still so young!

My husband and mum always put my ds down for naps without a feed - but they had to use the pram or carrier until he was about 18 months. Is there anyone else who puts your LO to sleep? Maybe you could pass on some of their tips to the fdc mum - if someone else can do it then she can too! It doesn't have to be you though...

Maybe he's in nap transition and about to drop a nap? My husband's strategy is to put him to sleep and hour or two after I would - that way he's really tired and goes really quickly.

Hope you can sort it out without upsetting anyone
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Postby breastfeedingisnormal » Sat Apr 13, 2013 9:16 am

I faced the very same situation when my LO was about the same age. FDC mum (who only had the use of one arm so carrying one baby all day was not an option) greeted me one afternoon by telling me that I had to wean DS. She was of the view that he would not be put down all day (would get quite distressed) because he 'just wants boob'. I was very confused and a bit affronted because FDC mum was obviously very unhappy with the situation. Turned out DS had a urinary tract infection. But because he was breastfed, he was not obviously ill with it; just grizzly and out of sorts. Had he not been breastfed, it is likely he'd have had a raging fever, severe pain and very likely ended up with a kidney infection before we worked out what was going on. Clearly breastfeeding was not the problem but part of the solution.

I think your FDC mum needs some education (and some support from FDC). She seems to think that if you stop breastfeeding, LO will go to sleep happily and wake up full of smiles. I doubt that LO's behaviour has anything to do with breastfeeding or not. How would you feel if you stopped breastfeeding and it did not solve FDC's problem?
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Postby Bianca86 » Sat Apr 13, 2013 9:30 am

Thanks all for your very helpful comments. DH puts him to sleep by rocking and so does my mum who looks after him one day. He actually sleeps more at dc than he does at home! I'm not sure she would be open to the carrier idea although I think it's great! I think he will be fine, I'm not going to stop because she thinks I should (she also told me that after they turn 1 not much milk gets made anyway - tell that to my boobs when they are full after being at work!).

Sometimes I find it hard to have confidence in my own decisions but you've all made me feel better and its good to hear from some people that work in daycares about non-bf babies that go through the same thing around this time.
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Postby marie7 » Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:23 pm

Wow bianca86!!! I'm sorry I would be furious!! I think your Fdc carer needs some education.... ASAP! When providing care You are required to care for your children in a respectful way that the parents want you to care for their child! For 1 I can't understand how she thinks weaning would benefit her caring situation? Let alone what it's going to do for your babies home situation which is obviously more important. So many babies rely on comforts when settling down to sleep and it sounds to me like she's not wanting to try and help establish a care comforter for your lo. I would honestly be changing carers if a carer suggested that and then went on to try and educate you about how not much milk is made and it's not nesscery ect. Wowzers.... Anyway sorry that has gotten my back up! I'm studying childcare at the moment and there is no way that is to be done... By all means talk to the parent, carer about some other options and working with you ect, but to tell you to stop doing something and it's making it hard for her.... Well :evil:
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Postby strolltotheshops » Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:51 pm

Yeah I'd be telling her to #%^* off. As the others have said, it's very unlikely it has anything to do with breastfeeding. She might just need some 'education' about normal baby behaviour and a suite of tools and tips she can draw on to appropriately care for your baby and for the whole group.
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Postby Monicat » Sat Apr 13, 2013 8:33 pm

Bianca86 wrote:she also told me that after they turn 1 not much milk gets made anyway

Just from that statement she clearly has no idea about breastfeeding at all. I am another one who would be angry, why on earth does she think she has the right to tell you to stop breastfeeding your child?? I would be writing a letter of complaint to the centre, her job is to care for your child not give you an opinion about whether you should be breastfeeding after one or not!
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Postby Little Tiggermum » Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:36 am

Another one here who saw red when reading your original post. To badly quote a previous ABA board member
whats next?, the wheels fell off her car- damn that must be due to your breastfeeding

your child is old enough to know that only you have boobies and react accordingly. Probably also old enough to think ow my mouth is sore, I need cuddles. :roll: don't need boobs to give cuddles and comfort and it is a vital ingredient in raising and establishing a child's self esteem.:wink:
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Postby Penguin » Sun Apr 14, 2013 11:03 am

What the others said. I must run but I'll be back later. FTR 22 month olf ttttt
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Postby Esther » Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:06 pm

Well, I'll admit to weaning DD1 around 14 months from her daytime nap breastfeed only for pretty much the reason of OP. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. It is an Easter weekend that will stay seared in my memory forever :( :(

I've never done it again. I know now that any baby is smart enough to know the difference between their mum and anyone else, but my confidence was very low as a 1st time mum. Wish I'd known this forum. Knowing ABA wasn't enough...

So, in short, unless you want to do it, you definitely don't have to. Weaning won't make a scrap of difference to how your child settles for others.
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Postby Snake Hips Mcroy » Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:51 pm

If I was in your boots, I would possibly take the cowardly option of lying and telling her you had weaned her of the feed before the nap...
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